Men are kind of the worst this week.

The Mad Scientist

Met up with the Mad Scientist after work on Monday, which was pretty good once we got past the part where he forgot he had a meeting (I was off work early, and he left early to meet me because he was having a bad day at work and didn’t have much to do) so he had to call in from the bar patio while I did some work on my laptop. (Which to be fair, was what I would have done had he not gotten off work until 5 as originally planned.) We got drinks, walked around for a while, made out in a park, and then went back to my place.

“Wait, Bonnet, but I thought you didn’t like taking guys back to your place because it’s always a disaster, your bed is tiny and easily broken, and you feel weird knowing that your roommate is right on the other side of the wall.”

Yes, but we couldn’t go back to his place because—drumroll please—he lives with his parents.

[sad trumpet noise]

Look, there’s nothing inherently wrong with living with your parents at 26. He used to have his own place but moved back in to save money, which is fair. His family isn’t American, and it sounds like there’s a cultural issue wrapped up in this to an extent—he mentioned that he would feel bad about moving out because right now he’s being “a good son.” He has a good enough job that he could afford his own place, but he says he’d rather save up and buy something. But the thing is that he’s not happy living with his parents, but he has yet to actually do anything like make an effort to save money for his own place. He also mentioned that his last relationship ended in part because he wasn’t willing to change his situation (red flag) and that he hates living there so much that he spends a lot of money—“no, you don’t understand, like thousands of dollars a month”—doing things outside the house to escape it (RED FLAG).

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(I don’t even know how one spends thousands of dollars a month going out. I’m admittedly on a tight budget, but I don’t even come close to breaking $2000 a month total, including my rent.)

But he was really good in bed and it’s not like I was ever planning on a serious relationship with him anyway, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Here’s a timeline of yesterday’s events.

2:30 I text him, we make some conversation. He’s apparently at work.

3:00 I mention that my roommate is going to a concert, so if he wants to come over later, that’s an option. He doesn’t respond.

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6:00 I say I’m trying to plan my evening, so he should let me know if he’s interested. He doesn’t respond.

8:00 Having given up on him, I eat dinner and have wine. I decide to try to do some OKC-ing, but my internet is uncooperative and I give up on that too and sit on the couch sullenly drinking alone.

9:15 He finally texts. “This bloody conference call is still going on, I hope you found something else to do.” We text a little bit back and forth.

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9:30 I say that if he ever finishes his call, he’s still welcome to come over, but that I assume he’ll be too worn out by then, since he’s mentioned being pretty tired. He asks how late my roommate will be gone, which I take as an indication that he might be interested after all. I tell him she’ll be out until at least 1am, probably later. He stops responding.

11:00 I’m starting to doze off, so I tell him the offer is rescinded if he doesn’t get back to me soon. Ten minutes later, he says he just finished his call and is “so beat.” I tell him no worries, he sends back a sleepy emoji. I do some irritated tweeting and then go to bed around midnight.

Okay. First, I have trouble believing he actually had a conference call that went until 11pm on a Saturday. It’s not like he works with clients overseas or something, as far as I know. Second, even if he did, presumably he could have responded to me at some point over the course of those six hours in the middle of the day saying “Hey, I don’t know how late I’ll be done but I’ll get back to you.”

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So far we have:

  1. Polyamory, which won’t work with me in the long-run
  2. Lives with his parents, which makes things complicated since I hate having guys over
  3. Demonstrated inability to make different life choices, despite his current ones making him unhappy and driving away at least one partner
  4. General flakiness and lack of consideration

Yeah, I don’t care how good he is in bed or how many awesome robot ties he owns. This isn’t going to happen. Next.

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Date #11

My date on Tuesday very nearly fell victim to the curse of the previewed dates—about fifteen minutes before I had to leave, I got the most painful gas ever. But I laid on my bed for a few minutes, farted a lot as I was getting ready, and picked up some Tums on my way to the bus and it was all good. Close one.

Francois (that’s what I nicknamed him, remember) was already at the bar when I arrived, thanks to my naïve trust in the bus schedule. I had a glass of wine and we talked for almost two hours. It was a pretty good date—not an amazing date, but good enough that we’re going out again on Tuesday, either bowling (which we had talked about over drinks) or to a movie. As far as my dates have gone, I’d put it on par with the Piemaker’s and better than Lord Byron’s. He’s cute in a hipster sort of way, which I like.

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The Brit

The Brit deserves lots of chocolate buttons (why don’t we have chocolate buttons in the US? that’s an adorable term) this week because he keeps listening to me complain about my dating woes.

I had been considering using this title this week to start with, but then as I was telling the Brit about the latest developments with the Mad Scientist, he said this:

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I knew I could count on him.

The Rest

I’ve been talking to a guy who is really interesting—in fact, I get a very Groupthink-y vibe from him. We bonded over a shared love of Mallory Ortberg and Mary Lambert and now we’re talking about mental health. Problem: He’s in an open relationship, and though he says his girlfriend is okay with it, she’s not seeing other people, which makes me uncomfortable. But if he wants to meet up, I’d be happy to do so, just because I think he could be a potential friend even if he’s not someone I would date.

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This week I’ve gotten two long, thoughtful messages from guys who live in the Baltimore suburbs. One of them doesn’t even have a car, so I really don’t know what he thought was going to happen here. Sam lived in a kind-of distant suburb, and that was bad enough. I’m not going to date someone who lives 50 minutes away by car with no traffic.

Pretty sure that one was a canned message, since he didn’t actually indicate in any way that he’d read my profile (and I say nothing about science) but it’s a very odd choice of introductory question.

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Sorry, was there anything in my profile that made you think that? He’s a 56% match/25% enemy. Shocking.

I tried to do Quickmatch on my phone and accidentally liked a guy I totally wasn’t into. I unliked him as soon as possible, but he still sent me a message. Oops.

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Who marks “yes” as an unacceptable answer to this one?

On a similar note, I’ve gotten messages from not one, but TWO guys this week who answered the question “Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?” with “Yes.” Um… how about we not.

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So yeah, that’s my week. Until next time, I’ll be over here trying to sort the wheat from the eugenicists.