It is ON, people! Those other LOSAHS are GOING DOWN!!1

ETA: IT BEGINS! The Donald is front and center, right where he belongs!

PLEDGES! WE’RE TAKING PLEDGES!!

HOUSE DONALD: WE DO NOT PLEDGE.

RAND PAUL IS FEISTY!

Ben Carson recites something he memorized a few days ago.

Marco Rubio is earnest and has a power tie. Nice.

DONALD GETS A SHOT AT ROSIE O’DONNELL. THE CROWD WHOOPS. Ew.

Chris Christie does what he does better than anyone not named Trump: SLING THE BS WITH ARROGANCE.

We have entered the I LOVE EMBRYOS MORE THAN YOU LOVE EMBRYOS phase of the evening. Walker loves embryos, but Huckabee loves embryos EVEN MORE.

Kasich sounds fairly sane and reasonable. WTF is this shit?!

Jeb is coming off kinda schoolmarmy. Which may be fine.

“IF IT WEREN’T FOR ME, NO ONE WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.” Yes, Donald, that subject never came up before you.

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Trump’s gonna build a giant wall on the border, but it will have a beautiful door somewhere THAT IS GOLD-PLATED AND HAS “TRUMP” EMBOSSED ON IT.

Oh hey, Ted Cruz is here too! Hi, Ted! Nice gratuitous shot at Mitch McConnell!

Chris Christie is a surprising shade of brown.

CHRISTIE ZINGS RAND PAUL. PAUL ZINGS BACK.

Ted Cruz confuses the audience. “Wait, you’re asking us to applaud for a MUSLIN?”

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Ah, we’ve entered the I LOVE TORTURE EVEN MORE THAN YOU LOVE FETUSES phase of the evening.

No matter what you ask Kasich about he answers BALANCED BUDGETS. “Governor, what color is the sky?” “BALANCED BUDGETS!”

“You GET RID of Obamacare and REPLACE it with... something.” Nice work, Jeb.

“Chris can tell you,” OH THIS WAS UNUSUALLY SLY, DONALD.

“I still remember, as a kid...” I have to drink, right?

Ah, we’ve entered the I HATE PLANNED PARENTHOOD MORE THAN YOU LOVE TORTURE AND FETUSES PUT TOGETHER phase of the evening.

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Kasich continues to sound sane and reasonable. WTF IS THIS SHIT?! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE YOUR GAY DAUGHTER?? IN THIS AUDIENCE??

Ben Carson comes out for a strong military! Daring policy choice! Guy has GUTS!!

Ah, we’ve moved on to the “Does your invisible sky buddy whisper in your ear and tell you to do things?” phase of the evening.

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Well, wrap ups are just MY DAD WAS POOR and other such canned stuff. Blah. Okay, it’s been fun. Signing off now.

One last delightful note: Ted Cruz announces that, as president, he’s going to instruct the Department of Justice and the IRS to “start persecuting religious liberty.”

This seems an unusual policy position, but the crowd, not really listening, claps anyway.