TW body image.

I threw my back out over the weekend, as you guys know. It's still hurting me, though not as much as it was; if I move a certain way I'll wince in pain, and sleeping is really difficult because I toss and turn to try to get more comfortable. And I haven't exercised in several days because I don't want to make this worse.

I hate not exercising. I really hate it. And I've started to get a little bit obsessive about the gym since I began going, so this week feels like I'm a total failure because i'm not meeting my Fitbit goal for a few days in a row. You guys have been privy to my issues with body image, and have been amazing and supportive.

But I'm done. I'm really done.

I can't survive and be so miserable, waiting to fit into these skirts and dresses I own. So today, after work ends in an hour, I'm going dress shopping. I got a government rebate for $100 and I'm going to splurge a little on some new clothes. I'm tired of feeling like I'm inadequate because I'm not a certain shape or size. I can't count calories right now, because I tend to get obsessive about it and it just makes me frustrated and overwhelmed, so I won't. I'm going to buy new pretty clothes that are flattering and nice, and I'm going to continue going to the gym and eating relatively healthy but not starving myself and not actively dieting. I'm going to eat candy if I feel like eating goddamn candy. And if I'm not my ideal size this summer, then I'm not. I'm still kicking ass and doing really good things for my mental and physical health by going to the gym. I haven't seen huge improvement but I have seen some, and if I keep it up I know I'll see muscle develop and all my lines get leaner. But there is no need to make myself miserable.