For a long time now Groupthink has served me in many ways. A diary, where I get to untangle my confused thoughts. A place of support, where I got advice and help and strength. A learning environment, where I learned more about feminism, racism, intersectionality and so much more. Even just a place for a good laugh. Groupthink is though, above all other things, a public place. Where we, behind the safety of anonymity share our innermost thoughts. Anonymity has never bothered me, I feel I know the people on here, even if I don't know their identity. But it serves as a safety measure for many of us. Myself included.
This morning I woke up to the realisation that boyfriend had found last nights post. That my secret, that I was figuring out how to tell him about, figuring out indeed what it meant, was out. Understandably he was upset. Outraged. Heartbroken. And furious. I can't blame him. Even for a second. He read everything. Every word I've shared here, every feeling, every comment. Be they written in anger, sadness, guilt, doubt or something else altogether. He felt betrayed by the many harsh words I've written about him and us. Words I sometimes hadn't even shared with him. I told him that GT was akin to a diary to me and he was bound to see a one-sided story here. Because it was in fact my story. He's told me he won't intrude on it anymore, not read anymore. I can't imagine he doesn't feel tempted to do so anyway.
Understandably I'm doubtful if I feel safe enough on here after this to share again.. On the other hand, I've shared my thoughts here. Although I regret many painful things I've shared earlier on, when our relationship was at our worst, they were true to me at the time. So perhaps I can share a bit more..
This morning was a.. rollercoaster. Boyfriend wants and needs full commitment from me. To stop being a victim and choose, fully. This morning, in his rage, he demanded I quit my job. It felt like the only way he could ever trust me again, IF he could ever trust me again. I refused to do so at that point. I told him I couldn't resign, not right at that moment, not on that very day. I didn't so much as have a backup plan for a job. And you see, well.. I love my job. In these past six months, even when our relationship was doing badly, or I felt inadequate or lonely, my job brought me great joy. It's exactly the job I want to do, I feel at home there, I learn and grow every day, I like the work I do and our clients, I like the vision of our company and I envision myself working there for many years to come. I've never experienced that before and I mention it to everyone who will hear it. Regardles.. I told him I'd look for another job and resign when I could. I felt strong-armed into it. I can understand why he needs my commitment and needs this to show it. But I feel horrible about it. It was the only place where I felt like _me_ when I felt like I felt unsure and without footing in the rest of my life. I think I could become great here. I don't want to give that up. But I offered to anyway.. He apologized for this later. Although he didn't quite take it back, he did say that he was angry when he demanded it and apologized for it..
For the past months we've been working incredibly hard to get better within our relationship and to be perfectly honest, it's been working. We've gotten tremendously better, we've been connecting like never before, we've been learning to communicate and be open and even when it comes to intimacy we've been getting better (slowly, very slowly and carefully). But the last month or so I've withdrawn, I'm hurt and disappointed that it's not going faster and better. I wonder if we are pushing a romantic relationship that isn't there. I fear I'm giving up my sense of self. I feel locked and am emotionally exhausted.
But to think I'd never hear a pun from him again, is almost unbearable. I feel inadequate and feel like I can't give him what he needs (he assures me I'm filling in blanks that aren't there, that aren't true) and I feel like he's pulling at me to be someone I'm not. I feel like I always have to choose for or against him, or us. Never just me. And I haven't told him I felt this way. I haven't told him I've felt emotionally and sexually frustrated and exhausted. And how can he try to be better if I don't tell him? He wants me to. But I'm stuck with this feeling that we're addicted to each other, desperately trying to make it work, but it will only ever work while we're actively working on it. When we drop the ball, we need to run to catch up to it again. Yet we can't seem to let each other go.
He'll be home thursday night and I promised I'd take friday off so we could talk. Although I have a butload of work that needs to be done on friday especially. We need to talk. I need to make a decision. Do what _I_ want. But what I want doesn't seem to exist..
I want a life with him where we are both fulfilled and happy and ourselves. Can someone get me that please? I don't know how to get that..
ETA: We talked on the phone for a bit.. He apologized for asking me to leave my job and said he doesn't want to take away anything that makes me happy. We talked about how early in therapy I felt like I shouldered all the burden of the relationship and I had been doing so again for the last few weeks. He thought we were in a headspace where he could share his worries without it hurting me, but since him being worried makes me feel guilty, I just hold it inside until I feel so bad I can't go on anymore.. He wants to get over what happened and he'll try to.. But it's his problem he says and not mine.. I hope he's back soon so we can talk..