Welcome To The Bitchery

On Being a Virgin (possible trigger warning)

I'm going to write my thoughts and experiences about virginity. They won't really be super eloquent or elaborate, but hopefully they get a point across.

Someone shared this to GT and I got curious and read through the article. I am finding myself relating an awful lot to this woman but I am not 35; I am 23. Unlike her, I don't necessarily feel that my virginity is a gift or that I should "save" it, but I have come to find that I am holding onto it because I'm deeply afraid. I don't think that I could properly express the reasons as to why I am still a virgin because I don't understand all of those reasons myself.

I've had a lot of years to think about why I can't bring myself to just do it already. Once I acknowledged that I was a feminist, I thought I'd for sure do it soon enough with someone that was at least nice to me and knew what they were doing. Feminists have sex and aren't afraid to do what they want. I was a feminist, therefore, I should just do it in college and be open about my sexuality.


College came and went pretty quickly and I avoided every guy at my small private school (that's another issue in itself). I did have a lot of time to think about all of the possible reasons why I had been waiting. For one, I haven't acknowledged that I was molested by the 13 year old boy in the apartment next to me. I never bothered to tell many people this because in my head it wasn't a big deal since a penis didn't go anywhere that would be considered rape or assault (I know now that it was still technically assault, but this was my thought process for a long time). The other issues include me being self-conscious about my body because I am overweight and the self-esteem issues come and go. I won't even get into how deeply ingrained the concept of "losing" one's virginity is in my head. Not only do I fear about the physical pain I will more than likely go through once I do it, but the weird aftermath of coming to accept that I went through with it. For a long time I fooled myself into thinking I'd probably wait until marriage since it seemed that I was a late bloomer for a lot of things.

It's been 2 years since I graduated from college and now that I think about it, a lot has changed and I have been more open about my sexuality this past year. The following happened for the first time: I got completely naked in front of someone, I've been fingered, I gave someone a hand job, and I made out with a complete stranger. For me, this is progress and I don't have any regrets about what I've done so far. I've actually been pretty excited about what's happened and I'm starting to actually get excited for the first time about having sex.

There is this idea that virgins are simply repressing their sexuality and that we are innocent. I obviously have no data to prove what I'm about to say, but I think this idea is bullshit. Virgins have just as many desires as a non-virgin and we usually express ourselves in some way. However, I will say that even though I find myself being in the mood quite a bit, I am still glad that I'm taking time to experience other things before going through with "it".

It's been my understanding that feminism is supposed to mean supporting each other's decisions and that I should have the right to choose when I have sex. I have the right to feel comfortable, sexy, and most of all, unashamed and proud of what I'm about to do. It seems that's probably the key to having sexy time anyway, so I'm just gonna go with that idea and patiently wait until I feel like I'm ready. I have some more issues with sex to work out, but I'd rather work them out in my own time instead of being rushed. Here's the cliche: virgins aren't weird creatures or unicorns, we're pretty much like you. :)

Share This Story