So, there's this guy. I've know him since 5th grade, had a crush on him for about that long, and I've been madly in love with him for the last five years. However, we don't live in the same place. I moved away from home, and he still lives there. About five years ago we hooked up for the first time, and sort of fell into a pattern where we dated when I was home, but were free to do whatever when I wasn't. Moving home was always in the back of my mind, but I struggled a lot with moving home "for" him. I think that puts a ton of pressure on a relationship, and I needed to be sure I wasn't just doing it for that, and for my own sake, to know that if it didn't work out, I wouldn't regret the decision. But this was my guy. If he'd asked me to marry him I would have said yes instantly, to hell with all the other complications. I am madly in love with him.
However, as one can probably have expected, last February one of the casual relationships he had turned serious. The girl is, by all accounts (except his, obviously), pretty awful. As in, just for example, she will physically insert herself in between him and any female he's speaking to, including the pregnant wives of his longtime friends. One of his friends asked me at what point it would be ok for her husband to tell him that everyone hated her (I told her never). But regardless of that, he seems happy.
I found methods to cope with my feelings of loss and hurt (so much booze and running!) But one that's kind of unexpected that's still nagging at me is betrayal. But not his betrayal, but that of our sort of mutual friends. Every time I see that she and I have a new mutual FB friends, I feel crazy hurt by it. And I KNOW that it's petty and totally unfair and wrong, but I just can't help that I feel like that. Especially since she's so terrible.
It's like I expect people to somehow show him she's terrible by more subtle means, like refusing to look happy in photos with her, or not accepting her FB friend request. And I get how dumb that is. I really, really do. I just can't get my stupid brain to knock this shit off.
I feel like I'm doing ok in not holding other people responsible for these feelings (i.e. I'm not outwardly mad at people), but I did ask my brother not to accept her FB friend request if it came to that. And I didn't make that request without a huge heaping of shame. And this is on top of feeling ashamed because conventional wisdom is telling me that I don't really love this guy if I can't be happy for his happiness, that instead I'm some kind of overly-possessive shrew that won't set the butterfly free to see if it comes back again and is truly mine.
Please understand that I'm kind of looking for commiseration in this post, rather than advice. There is no piece of analysis of our relationship that I haven't heard (he wasn't ever in love with you, he doesn't love you like that, can't you just get over it, etc), and the thing is that I know. I KNOW. But it still doesn't change the way I feel. It's actually why I feel so bad about having these kind of feelings. The brain knows, but the feelings don't follow.
So essentially what I'm asking is: how do you deal with feelings you realize are illogical or a "you" thing?