TW depression, anxiety
Last night my husband said one of the saddest things to me he’s ever said “Are you sure you’ll be okay with her this weekend? I don’t have to go.”
If you’ll remember the big bird is leaving this Friday for a guys weekend and won’t be back until Monday afternoon. You’ll also remember I have postpartum depression and anxiety. I think the medication I’m on really improved my depression but we can’t seem to find the right mix for my anxiety. In fact as my depression gets better I feel my anxiety getting worse. I’ve always been an anxious, stressed out person. Before we had the peep my job was my biggest source of stress. It was a stress that, while I didn’t enjoy it, I was used to living like that. School/work I’ve always been an overachiever and usually good at what I do naturally. At the end of the day I always got to come home and relax. Cue bringing home baby and I’m a fucking basket case. Suddenly my entire life is revolving around stress. I can’t get a break from it and since I’ve always just lived with it and self medicated it away I don’t have coping mechanisms in place to handle the overload. I practically break and here I am the amazing lesbian shitass wallowing in my own squalor you see before you.
My anxiety makes me obsess about a simple trip to the grocery store. I start thinking of all the things that could “go wrong” which is ludicrous because it’s the fucking grocery store. Am I afraid I’m going to get into a fight to the death against the little old lady going for the last coffee creamer? Now imagine I know for a month that my husband is going to leave me with the baby all alone. I’ve been quietly freaking out since. I don’t want to worry him because I want him to enjoy his trip. You guys gave me some good advice but unfortunately I just don’t have the support network of friends and family to help this weekend. I’ll be visiting my grandmother with her on Saturday which is more stress because now I’m traveling with the baby alone. Also as you all know I’m terrible at admitting I’m struggling IRL and I hate asking for help. My mom is out of town that weekend, my in laws are dealing with a broken rib from the chiropractor, my friends are out of town and I doubt would give up their going out night to come and keep me company with a baby.
Big bird – Hey? I have a question.
Me - okay. Shoot.
BB – do you come home first for a while before picking up the peep? (backstory: I get off work between 4:30 and 5 generally and pick her up from daycare which doesn’t close until 6)
Me - ashamed yes.
BB - giving me a really sad look - Oh. It’s okay I just want to understand.
I immediately thinks he hates me. He thinks I’m a terrible mother, person. I do everything in my power to not be alone with her anymore than I have to and I hate myself so much for it. I keep trying to tell myself that this will be good for us. I’ll be the only parent so I’ll be forced to deal with her and see that nothing bad happens. Maybe she cries, maybe I don’t get much sleep, that’s the worst of it. But then my anxiety kicks in and I think what if this fucking breaks me? Because you guys, it really could.
My husband knows it too. He tried to tell me that if I had any apprehensions at all I should just tell him and he wouldn’t go. He said he’d rather just not go than get there and have me call crying needing him to come home partway thru. This made me feel like utter shit. Partially because I thought it was unfair of him to say. Mostly because I know he’s right that this is a very possible outcome. I still haven’t recovered from the self esteem hit that buying jeans was. And I haven’t been able to say anything positive about myself since. I just want to stop being such a disappointment to everyone. I’m a disappointing partner, mother. We overdrew our checking account again because I can’t be bothered to keep an eye on it. I just don’t feel like I have enough to be good at everything. And maybe I will never be “good” at mothering. Maybe I’ll never enjoy it. I’m so disappointed in myself.
ETA: So I tried talking to him about it and now we hate eachother and aren't speaking. It started out good. We were talking about this weekend and we both agreed we were worried about this weekend. So I suggested that he plan to come back Sunday night instead of Monday. I even said if I felt okay he could stay the third night. He immediately started making excuses. "I have stuff the guys were counting on me to bring." "I already gave up going Thursday night." "I might as well come back Sunday morning because the guys are going to want to start drinking right away."
At this point I am upset that he isn't thinking of me in the situation. But I am also upset that I am putting him in this spot. Now he thinks he shouldn't go at all because he doesn't trust that I'll be able to handle her for even one day. And he's fucking pissed about it. He planned it for months, counted on me to make a plan for dealing with her by myself, he's constantly picking up my slack and was really looking forward to this. The implication that I'm ruining his life is hanging in the air.
I'm going to give us some time to cool down. Maybe after the baby goes to bed I'll try talking to him about it again. I really want him to go but I want him to be prepared that I may need him to come back early and he has to understand that. I keep trying to say I'm sick. You wouldn't expect me to handle her by myself for an entire weekend if I had the flu or cancer. I just don't know how to make him understand that I'm really trying and I'm not doing this to him.