Hi! Long time no post!
I wanted to update everyone now that 2017 (aka the year that was shit to everyone) is over and ask for some advice. Since last time I wrote:
1. I went back to the states and stayed with my mom for 3 weeks over the holidays... and it’s not looking great. It’s not dementia, but it’s instead basically a traumatic brain injury to part of the frontal lobe. Her main issues are not really understanding time and date (+ impatience), general paranoia, short term memory loss, neediness, and regular meltdowns where she tells me how much she wants to die. So she isn’t going to have a typical dementia decline, but it makes it much harder to get her services and she doesn’t want them because it costs too much. She might get her license back in 2 months, because she’s been seizure free, but on her bad days I don’t want her driving. At the same time, public transport where she is is completely useless and she’s even more depressed because she’s stuck in the house. She calls me every day to talk about how much her back hurts and how much she wants her car back and to just have me listen to her pain and it is so draining. I might skip a day in calling her and she’ll send me skype messages about how much she misses me. Ugh.
2. My other landlords also sucked, and were really really nasty trying to force me to move before the contract was up. Luckily I got my full deposit back (only because they had a time limit to submit documentation to the company acting as middleman that held my deposit).
3. I ended up moving halfway across Sweden to go to school again, and so far it seems like a good fit. It’s really hard to talk about without doxxing myself, but it’s basically a “technical school” that trains people to work in the digital industry by both holding intro classes to learn tech and really intensive group work with theoretical underpinnings. So learning how to actually give constructive criticism, how to deal with conflict, ideation, etc etc. The only weird thing is that for whatever reason, my class skews really really young. Someone actually did the math, and removing the one outlier (the guy in his 40s), the average age in the class is 22. There’s 5 people above 26 (myself being 30) and ... it’s hard sometimes. It feels lonely because it’s really obvious to me that we’re not from the same generation and I don’t know how to connect with them.
4. Which brings me to why I’m writing this in the first place. Now that I have a safe secure place to live and things to do, I’ve started meditating and I’m starting to get in touch with the feelings I’ve been cutting myself off from for over a year. Because it was survival, y’know? I couldn’t afford to be scared or grieve or really do a post mortem on my dead relationship because I had to work and I had to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And... it’s rough. I’m crying all the time. I feel paranoid because all of the ways that the end of my relationship destroyed my self worth are bubbling up and I do not know how to handle this. I know it’s part of the healing process. I know I’ll be so much stronger after I get through it, and I will get through it... but I’m so afraid. All the time.
Anyone been through anything similar? Anything helpful to read or do?