I guess this is something I should really talk to a therapist about, but I have no money to go and I just need to talk about it. This might be triggering for some folks.
I've struggled with body image since I was 8 years old. I was wearing a pair of shorts in the summertime and my mom was making fun of how my belly poked out over the top of my shorts. It was the first time in my life I'd felt humiliated and embarrassed over how my body looked. I can really trace a lot of the body issues I have back to my mom. She was constantly making fun of my body while telling me how much she weighed at my age. She constantly bragged about having big boobs with no hips and thighs that didn't touch.
Since getting married, I've gained 20 pounds and it's driving me crazy. Before getting married, I was the skinniest I've been since hitting puberty. While I was at my skinniest, I was working non-stop, partying non-stop, drinking non-stop, and eating nothing but junk. Then I settled down and got married and starting cooking healthy meals, sleeping more than 2 hours a night, and I drink far less. Somehow that has caused a 20 pound weight gain.
I've always been uncomfortable in my own skin, but lately it's been reaching epic proportions. I was crying on my kitchen floor this morning because I need to buy groceries, but I don't want to be seen by other people. I don't want to wear any of my clothes because I feel like I look horrible in them. I don't want to have sex with my husband, and if I do I refuse to take my shirt off.
I can't talk to any of my friends about this, because they don't understand and say the most infuriating things:
"You know you're pretty, you're just fishing for compliments."
"I know people who would kill to have your body"
"Why are you complaining? Since you've gained weight you've got big boobs now."
and my personal favorite:
"Your husband obviously finds you attractive, so why does it matter?"
Obviously it doesn't matter how I feel about myself, that should just all be fixed because I found a man who finds me attractive. The fact that he even finds me attractive drives me insane. I don't want him to think the way my body looks is attractive.
Sorry guys for all this bullshit, I just needed to vent.