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On Sincerity

I’ve been struggling a bit lately. Depression has reared its ugly head again, I’ve taken on some extra duties at work that are new and stressful, I’ve been interviewing for other jobs, I hurt myself falling down the stairs, etc. This isn’t a woe-is-me post; I’m dealing. But people who pay attention have noticed I’m struggling, and some if them have made that fact known.

In general, I do not like it when people know I’m having a hard time. I share when necessary, just to make sure the affected people know why I might be acting weird or crying uncontrollably. You, my darling GTers, are sometimes called upon for support or advice. And I have a couple of close friends who know that a mix of about 20% serious talk and 80% sarcasm is my preferred way of discussing the bad shit in my life. It calms me down and makes me feel normal.

So, I’ve got this one friend. We’ve known each other for some time, but I don’t know that you’d necessarily call us super close. We see each other often because of shared interests, and she is genuinely one of the most generous, open-hearted people I have ever met. I appreciate her very much a whole lot of the time. Right now, however, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS PERSON!


She is almost always sincere about everything. She is a fairly serious person. She jokes and laughs at jokes, but generally just the silly kind - she doesn’t always get the snark or sarcasm that spews out of my mouth 95% of the time. She is also all about communicating. Like, a lot. SO MUCH COMMUNICATING. When I talk with her, there are just so many words, and they are all so sincere! I don’t really know how else to describe this issue... basically, she has noticed my stress and has been trying very hard to help me by giving generously of her time and advice, and just talking things over. I put her off at first, said we’d talk on such-and-such day. I meant it, too. But that day came and went, and honestly I just... can’t. I have started avoiding her phone calls and not returning her messages, which I know is terrible and wrong, but the idea of having a conversation at this point stresses me out more than anything else. I can’t imagine talking about my feelings with her, and I can’t imagine telling her that I can’t talk about my feelings with her. She will tell me sincerely that she understands and that she’s there if I want to talk. She might tell me sincerely that she’s been hurt by my refusal to return her calls. That would be fair.

Either way, I can’t take any more sincerity!

I’m not even sure why I’m posting here, tbh. I don’t particularly want advice... Just commiseration, I guess? For someone to tell me I’m not THAT weird for being unable to have serious conversations about my feelings outside a therapist’s office? For someone to tell me how to magically become a sincere person? For someone to yell at me for being such an asshole? I don’t know. Anyway, come at me, GT!

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