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On testosterone and why I hate it.

Seriously, why why why whhhhhhyyyyyyy are men like this? On Saturday morning I was penciled in to meet up with my ex and do a halfpence exchange. He said he would call between 7 and 8 and we would meet for breakfast. By 8:30 I hadn't heard from him, and I had texted and called (straight to VM). So, I packed up the boy and headed over to my ex's place to drop off. He was still sleeping, his phone had died and he had left his charger at work. No biggie, I get that things like that happen.

Then my son did something that he very rarely does, he had a little breakdown because he didn't want me to leave. "I like you. Mommy, I like you, don't leave." This devolved into tears and wailing "I want my mommy." And it's just the worst because if you stick around and try to sooth it just gets worse, so you have to walk away, which makes you feel like an asshole. I was in tears as I drove away, it sucked. Then there's the guilt I feel about my ex. The halfpence LOVES his dad, don't get me wrong, but because I left the relationship I have a tremendous amount of guilt and shame and generally awful feelings about myself.


Getting back to the hormones, last night we met up again to exchange. My bestie was with us. He tells me that on Friday night he was knocked out at a bar. The story, as he tells it, is that he was at a (dive) bar, saw someone he once knew who was with a couple of women, and went to talk to him. This guy told him to not talk to the women because they had boyfriends (okay this feels so ridiculously juvenile as I type it...) and my ex said that he didn't give a shit. Basically, he was probably running his mouth off. He said that a few moments later the bounder grabbed him by the back of the neck, forced him outside and threw him to the pavement, where he hit his head and lost consciousness for a moment.

So, he tells me this, and I am sitting there, with my son on my lap, just....I don't even know how to react. My first question was if he was okay. He said he was fine, just a little out of it (his reasoning for sleeping so long Saturday morning and not checking in). I asked if he called the police. He said yes.

This kind of thing, this kind of behavior, makes me INCREDIBLY anxious. I hate confrontation, I hate violence, I hate egos, I hate fights, I hate it all. The slightest hint of it and I head for the hills.

When he left my bestie said, "well, he's clearly not in a good place." Which just makes me feel like absolute SHIT. I feel so many things, incredible guilt, embarrassment for him, worry for him, and I am also questioning his judgement. I am not worried about him with my son, but if I am honest I am like 0.001% concerned. It's just....it's so icky and sad and I just want things to settle down already. I just want him to be happy. And if I am honest I think that subconsciously I refuse to let myself be happy until he is. Which just blows.


Ah, I had to get that out. If you even got through this, thank you for listening.

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