First of all I want to say thank you to all of you who've chimed in over the past few days. I'm not sure what I would've done without the lot of you. I would feel far less collected than I do, that's for sure!
In a few hours boyfriend will be coming home, a day early from the conference, because just like me he's been sick for the last few days (the right time for a bad cold is when you're super busy with work AND in a fight with your so, right? Right? Ugh). Tomorrow I'll have work and I'm trying to move my day off on monday to friday so that he and I can talk. I have these few more hours to think.. So I'll try typing a bit, to untangle my thoughts. (who knows, maybe he's read these, hm?) I'm not sure if I'll be posting much in the upcoming days, because I expect they'll be pretty intense.
Before therapy things were bad. Very bad. I was depressed. We were fighting all the time. We felt lonely and locked in a pattern. We didn't understand each other and I'm not sure we cared too. Then a short break and therapy happened. Since then I've learned many things. I learned he can be kind, forgiving, caring, loving and supportive. Things he wasn't before. I learned that I could communicate although I found it incredibly hard. My inability to make up my mind (I swear I can barely feed myself because I can't decide what I want to eat) is a self-made problem but a problem nonetheless.
I need some therapy on my own. I tend to take things very hard. Where we've worked hard, as a couple, to create a safe space to talk for both of us. I still often revert to taking things far more seriously than they are meant. I feel guilty for the smallest things and this isn't because he's trying to lay blame on me. He isn't going around telling me what I do wrong. Yet I feel like it and I hold my worries inside, blowing them up over time until they are gigantic. I don't know why I do this. I need to not do this. Not just for this relationship or him. But for me. It, quite frankly, makes me feel depressed a lot.
When we are good we are GREAT. Fun, supportive, connecting. But can we remain great without working hard at it? Will I be able to learn to not overthink interactions with a partner? Just.. in general? Will he be able to get over my kiss with another? (he's said that this is his problem to worry about and work on, not mine and also I won't need to give up my job, he took it back and won't ask it of me)
Attraction is still an issue.. Can he be okay with the possibility that I might want sex no more than once a month? (I mean really because _I_ want to not because I 'could') If those other issues are fixed (for longer than a few months) will I feel more attracted to him? Do the sparks that I _have_ felt (with him) mean it can come back? Or is it not enough to sustain a relationship and wishful thinking to think it'll get better.
Am I willing to keep working on things? Keep myself and him in limbo? Or is it too much?
Also. Is my life a badly written made for tv movie where the writers didn't have an original thought but just threw cliches against a wall to see what stuck? Why do I always only have more questions and never any answers? Is there some fancy pantsy psychological term for this? Well.. I guess it makes me a better designer so there's a use for it.. somewhere.