I’m not a vegan or vegetarian and I don’t even eat that much healthy food. But dammit if I am raising my, nonexistant, kids a certain way, BITCH BETTER FOLLOW MY RULES!

Q. Monster-in-Law: I have gone to back to work recently, and my mother-in-law offered to pick up and watch my elementary-age kids since her stepkids go to the adjoining middle school (she married a widower three years ago). This would be a godsend (and save us thousands of dollars in day care) except my mother-in-law refuses to feed my kids according to our principles (vegan and healthy). She told me if it wasn’t something that could kill them, she wasn’t going to go out of her way and she had too many kids running around to make “special” snacks (she baby-sits a half a dozen different “friends” of her stepkids and neighbors). These are her grandchildren, but my husband just shrugs and says “take it or leave it” has always been his mother’s way. I am ready to tear my hair out by the roots. Help.

A: So your loving mother-in-law wants to provide free, safe, fun care for your children, and you think she’s a “monster” because she’s planning to give them ice cream or a turkey-and-Swiss sandwich as an after-school snack instead of broccoli slaw and kale chips. Start ripping that hair out, because you sound crazy. Here are your healthy choices: Send your kids to their grandmother’s house, thank your mother-in-law profusely, and give her gift certificates for massages etc. to show your appreciation for her generosity. Or go spend the money on a day care provider who will abide by your demands that your children not eat any animal products. Gee, I wonder where your kids would rather go after school?