There was this places. We'll call it "LAND OF ALL CAPS" and it was undeniably the most awesome place in the universe because as you know "ALL CAPS IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL." There are pies and cats and all other markers of greatness lying around there.
Well, guys, I was totes walking around and there was this weird lady named Whiskey who was totally obsessed with doorknobs—DOORKNOBS. I asked her, like WHAT IS UP and she wrinkled her nose and told me that all the doorknobs in the forest symbolize the weeping that has come since Gonzo has begun missing Lou Reed. I was saddened and the world opened up and the sky was raining, weeping. HELL, LECHATGRIS was a walking snot factory.
I know what I needed. I needed answers. I went to many sages. Ashronin tried to help, thinking this was JUST LIKE THE WIZARD OF OZ. I'm not sure if we could find a wizard to solve our problems. Plus wizards are symbols of the patriarchy. EVEN GANDALF. HA! Lurkerbynature told me that she could totally fix my hair, but I felt like that wasn't always the answer to the world's deep existential loss, but her hair looked good. Natface took a more direct approach. It was like "JUST UNFUCK IT."
That seemed genius. I'LL UNFUCK EVERYTHING.
So I went back into the forest and my friends were no where to be found. I was sad. All I found was a hungover Bumblecat, we'll have to talk about that whole "Doge business later", the idiots who had invaded the land of CoffeeJitters (probably ordered decaf!) and Mesudaadem being all like sad because her soup was sub-optimal.
They stared at me and I said, "Let's UNFUCK EVERYTHING!"
And they stared back. A tiny cat named Paranoid Shiksa Feminista came up to me and said, "My dear, what you seek for cannot be found here. But I do have this magical page of stories completed in MS Paint, an ancient technology for you." I looked at her and though, it seems to be sending me deep into the forest. Torchwood, perhaps? Rainbow Duckling gave me a fleet of kitties, the swiftest of the bunch to take me deep. Couchplanted looked resentful, saying something about Hamsterballs and being usurped but I did not quite catch her. Liztaylorsearrings handed me a small pistol with a pearl handle and a long cigarette holder. "Classic Woman Style" she smiled. . I wish she had also given me a flask.
Right before I was leaving, Jcat80 was all like OFERMODIG! OFERMODIG! And she did this jig and Bumblecat began to dance and then cry and then go get her advil. Oregonbeast shook her head, "Cats— they are like boardgames. Good most of the time but you get a couple of them together with a bunch of hooch, you got a world of problems." I know Jinxie Jade was in agreement. "WHAT THE FUCK, COVEN?" These cats were also witches on a televisions show, starring Jessica Lange. Rawrgilicious handed me a small animal. "Take this. It will protect you." "I shall use it to kill any very small animal that I find if I need." I responded.
And I left. I felt worried and preoccupied. I kept thinking about that conversation I had with Joyflower the other day about dating and stuff.
WHY CAN'T SNACKTASTIC FIND HAPPINESS TOO?
But in the midst of my navel gazing, Atticus_Grinch ran up to me and was like "Look at my gross winter skin when you help the forest with it's problems, can you suggest something topical? Maybe something with a nice shea butter thing in it? A pretty scent."
Sure, why not. Solving the world's problems and then solving your skin problems too. I mean, I won't even get into the fact that Beevee wants me to write her personal statement. I think I'll write "WHY AM I IN THE FOREST WITHOUT A BEAR TRAP?"
But conquer what? this was an unknown beast. Perhaps it didn't even require killing. I mean, I don't think existential sadness really generally takes the place of a dragon, even according to Camus. I though, in my particularly navel gazing fashion that I should look deep inside myself for answers.
I looked at the MS paintings, deciphering that there is a great beast but that beast is not cruel. That beast is hungry and that beast wants candy. I shall get this tiny little pocket porcupine to craft together a plate of Turkish Delites. The tiny little porcupine looked quizzically at me, as if to say, "You might have unreasonable expectations." But I was inspired by Freesamplethief and her happy news, you can do it little hedgehog. And damnit, that little hedgehog bit into me and ran off into the forest, complaining about stupid people and their stupid expectations.
The kitties were frozen in fear. Or eating grass. Perhaps a bit from column a and a bit from column b.
Not even Dr. Who could save me now. That British time traveling alien phonebooth guy. Is that the story? I wasn't sure. BUT I WAS SCARED. I tried to visualize PUGS. They are tiny and adorable. Like little sausages. But it was to no avail. I started crying. This bear smiled at me and said, "Hm. A dinner and a show."
And I was even more scared. EVEN MORE SCARED. So scared that it was like lighting a stove with my ass. JUST LIKE.
But my friends, I will not be able to tell you the rest of the story until another time (maybe next week) because for now, it is time for the Walking Dead. The story is far too fantastic to conclude easily.