IS THIS ENOUGH OF A SPACER?? :/ :/
Ok, GT, here’s the real talk; for the first time in my life, I am finally at a competent OTP treatment program for a long-lived eating disorder. It’s bringing up EMOTIONS. I’ve been googling things like, “How do you overcome insecurity?” and other highly-technical questions about body dysmorphia/ learned helplessness when it comes to doubting oneself. One theme that is emerging from all of this (aka all these listicles of quotes from celebs) is how often people (I’m mostly reading about cishet women, but I cannot imagine this is non-universal) give up something they love or are passionate about because they think it’s undeserved...in my specific case it’s bc of my horrible relationship with my body. But I know there are about a million ways to feel chronically insecure, so I wanted to provide a space and ask about your stories... GT, what have you given up because this stupid world told you somehow you didn’t deserve it? If you feel comfortable sharing, what did you internalize, and why did you think it meant you couldn’t X,Y,Z?
For example, I have MAJOR social anxiety that has cost me plenty of experiences. It stems from this body dysmorphia- feeling so undeserving of eyesight and feeling so anxious about judgments people will make that I basically get panic attacks and become paralyzed. It’s kept me from going almost anywhere- school, the doctor, therapy sessions, social events, (ODDLY, never the dentist!); it’s kept me from pursuing hobbies bc I feel like this version of me isn’t the fabulous person who does Krav Maga, sews fun outfits for herself, and does outlandish makeup LEWKS on Insta (even if I am trying them out at home).
So if I don’t sound like a total nutjob, and this resonates with you in any way, please please tell me what’s been taken (and maybe what you’ve taken back?) away from you, for a time at least? Like my fave RH Jules always said, SECRETS KEEP US SICK! and I feel voiceless about mine. Anyone want to indulge in some self-reflection with me?