(Please don't main page!) The shitshow wedding for my friend is next week, but this post isn't about that. Friends, Romans, I have NEW drama to report on and it involves my father and his crazy as hell family.
So my friend's wedding is next Friday and I can assure you I will do a post on it afterwards, OH yes. But there is some new drama unfolding. Because why can't I have a quiet life?
My father's family is made up of different factions of BATSHIT CRAZY ITALIANS. Almost all of them live in the five boroughs of NYC and Long Island. They like to create drama and there have been weddings, wakes and Christenings that devolved into epic screaming fights in the street and people not talking to each other for years.
Well, it turns out, the matriarch of one of the families (who we lovingly refer to as The Sicilians) is turning 90 in two weeks. My father found out via his sister, who had received a late invite to her birthday party. My father did not get an invitation. So, as you can imagine, this became A Thing and my father was on the phone all of yesterday with various family members, trying to sort out why he didn't get an invite and who knew about the party and who was invited. He said even if he got an invite now, he wouldn't go, since it was the principal of the thing.
He gets an email invite this morning. It is the WEIRDEST and, honestly, most disgustingly inappropriate invite for a 90 year old lady's birthday party I've EVER seen and it has SCANDALIZED every faction of the family.
It's the 90s year old lady's face photoshopped onto the very busty, corseted body of heroine on a Harlequin romance novel which has a title that is a pun on her name ("The Mayhem of May!"). In the background is a man in a vicar outfit, holding a rake, with the face of her DEAD HUSBAND photoshopped onto it.
The text below says, in big bold lettering, "Join Us As We Celebrate 90 Shades of May!".
I had the completely awkward joy of explaining to my shocked parents what 50 Shades of Gray is and had to demand my father stop as he read the Amazon blurb out loud. Neither of them knew of it's existence and were just amazed that it was being used as advertisement to this woman's surprise party. Neither of them think the woman in question even likes romance novels, so the choice of theme is just... insane.
The RSVP date was also for three days ago. So, back on the phone my father gets, gossiping with every family member. It turns out, the guy throwing the party (her son in law, I think) had a ton of people RSVP "no" and has to fill the catering hall he rented out somehow, so he's hurling invites at all the family he considers "the D-List". When my father heard that he just about blew through the ceiling and hit the moon with anger. It was also reported that he said my section of the family would be the first invited to the wake if the woman was dead, since we always send expensive flowers and mass cards, which is a huge status thing apparently. You're nobody if you don't send an expensive mass card.
As you can imagine, the ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY is talking about this. They haven't had this much excitement since one of the other matriarchs died in 1996 and someone botched the wake!
I just can't get over that invitation. I had to share it. It is one of the more... bizarre and messed up things I've seen recently. I almost WISH I had new wedding news to report, since this is infinitely stranger!