I'm currently sitting in the bedroom I grew up in, feeling far too cold (heat hasn't been turned on yet I guess) and wistful. This weekend was fun. Saturday I was treated to a pancake breakfast, whisked away to a different town for chinese food and a great movie (Cuban Fury, watch it, it's hilarious). Spent the night there cuddling with their cat. Sunday I woke up, was reminded of an appointment and headed out an hour later.
I was surprised by how light many things felt. Although I felt sad in a way, many things also felt very uncomplicated. Lugging around a purse, 2 suitcases and trying not to spill my hot chocolate across the train station, I sat down, grabbed my book and shrugged at the 45 minutes I was going to have to wait. My friend wouldn't care what time I'd get there, so long as I let him know what time to meet me. There was no stress in that.
I learned this evening that boyfriends hasn't gone to work. That he in fact has taken a leave of absence. They don't know when he'll return and he's been giving 'any time he needs' by the boss. Most of his (and my old) colleagues don't know what's what. Think he's just ill maybe.
I listened to the voicemail he left me last saturday. I expected pleading or maybe anger. Some kind of typical behavior for him when he tries to get things his way. Instead it was simple. "Hey, it's me. I wanted to hear how you were doing.. To see if maybe you wanted to talk. If you do.. and if you are ready to.. I'd love to hear from you." I texted him not long after this to leave me alone, give me space and he's respected that. I haven't heard from him. I'm happy about that. And I'm sad about that.
People tell me to "not worry about it". That "he's not your problem anymore!" They are right, of course. But I can't help but feel for him. Not guilty. Not exactly. But hurting for him as well as myself. The rug indeed was pulled from under him, it was a rug of his own making but still.. that doesn't make it any less hurtful right now. And he is genuinely heart-broken right now. I know this.
I hope in time I can talk to him about that rug and about exactly why I can't put it back. Why I know I'll never be happy with him again. So that maybe he'll look at it more clearly in the future. It won't hurt less, but maybe he'll be able to understand. Not right now though.
Today hasn't been light. Not when I had half a second to think or feel. So I try to distract myself. I've almost finished the book I started yesterday.. Better get on with that.