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I had an interview with a staffing agency and everything went really well … until the drug test.

Peeing in a little plastic cup is a standard activity in medical offices and at job related drug tests, but it isn’t something I ever trained to do. I wish that I had.


Today marked the second interview I have had this week with a staffing agency. I wore the same outfit to both interviews because I felt decently professional in it and I don’t think the two offices have any sort of “Who Wore it Best” type competitions happening. The dress I wore felt more flattering with the addition of Spanx, hence I was also glad to have had a dry run to get used to those. I don’t know about other people, but I find Spanx have a few potential pitfalls: the “waist band” can roll down, so it must be wedged under the elastic of my bra to stay up and they feature an easy open crotch gusset for using the bathroom in under the ten full minutes it would take to squeeze out of the Spanx and back into them otherwise.

I find the crotch gusset really daunting and am convinced any peeing through it will result in tragedy (Spanx filled with misplaced urine). I just don’t feel like the opening opens enough. However, I did sit on a concrete bench yesterday while Spanxing and I was shocked by how little they cover. My vulva became one with the bench; I probs have bench herp now.

At today’s interview, things went swimmingly and they wanted to bring me on as a temp, ergo I had to be drug screened via pee. I was pretty thrilled about this because I was dying to urinate. But, my excretion based joy quickly soured when I found myself juggling a plastic cup and the gusset things, trying to make sure I peed in the cup and didn’t send a stream of errant urine into the damn Spanx. Now, you might be thinking I should have taken them off. In response, I would ask if you have ever squeezed a sausage out of a casing AND THEN taken the time to squeeze it back in while the sausage was trying to hold its urine. Well, have you?

I was able to pee in the cup and on the cup and on my hands, which quickly brought back the last words that the recruiter told me: “Pee in the cup and do not flush or wash your hands until the test is complete. I will be out here waiting for you.” Now, I am mid-pee and already my hands, which I cannot wash, are urine soaked. I finished peeing, while trying to vigorously clean my hands with toilet paper. Then, I stood up and discovered that I managed to pee on the front of my dress just above the hem. But, I can’t play it off like I got water on myself washing my hands because I can’t wash them.


I scrubbed almost all of myself with toilet paper, which I kept placing in the toilet when I was done and it resembled a thin, non-absorbent Vesuvian eruption. I took the cup out and tried to stand with my purse over the urine splotch on my dress, but as it was at the hem, I struck some sway-backed model/Igor pose and hoped fervently that my pee hands and dress weren’t transmitting any odor.

I passed the drug screening (nur), but if it was secretly a test to see how coordinated I am in the bathroom, I may be unemployed forever.


Upon telling my son this story, he commented: That test seems really skewed towards men. I yelled “Patriarchy.” We kid.

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