I know I just posted a whine recently. And I'm sorry. I hate the fall, and I wish I still loved it, but it's such a hard time of year for me.
The short of it is that tomorrow would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. I mean, it still is, but I'm not married anymore. It's also the 6 year anniversary of him telling me he wanted a divorce (from Afghanistan). And the 7th anniversary of when he deployed to Afghanistan.
Last year, I wrote about why I feel like an asshole being sad about my personal mourning for my personal loss. I still feel that. I also feel an extra layer of lousy because it would have been a milestone year.
It's long, and because it's long, there's nothing really that I have to say that I haven't already said. I think the milestone is making me feel extra homesick? ("I wouldn't have ever left New England if it wasn't for him! I'd still be in my comfort zone area!") I don't know. It's not just about homesickness. If that's all it was, I could just move back there. Sometimes it's that I feel like the Jenna of '04 was a different person than the Jenna of the present. That's not it, either? Of course I'd be different. I'd have grown and changed regardless of marriage.
I miss the life I had. I miss the life we built. I miss the man I married, but who didn't come back from war. I feel so conflicted. I love my boyfriend. I love my friends. I have traveled across the country and back several times.
I'm upset and confused and I hate the fall.