Photo of Bonny mid-jump for joy (as a spacer/a thanks for reading):
I want to preface by saying I know yinz are not a replacement for therapy, and that I have actual therapy (individual and CPT group) tomorrow, after avoiding it for awhile. I am just looking for perspective/stories from anyone who has been in a similiar place and/or has come through it. I’ll also try to keep this short.
I’ve been having a hell of a time with suicidal ideation lately. There are the external and temporary factors: A medication change, avoiding therapy, not knowing if I want to continue my long term relationship (over 5 years now), not working atm though I am getting interviews and referrals for part time work in my field, which is what I can handle for the time being. Feeling lonely and unwanted and unmoored, though i am not sure if that is my depression or not. I am not going to make any big decisions about my relationship until i am in a healthier place, though I am keeping my SO in the loop as I want to be respectful to him/us.
Then there are the factors I can’t change, and this is what’s really getting me. I am not sure what the point of all this therapy is if in the end what happened to me still happened, and I have no personal or legal recourse for any of it. And while I love and am close to my siblings, they are also reminders of the trauma we went through, and I tend to avoid them; in general i do not have that family safety net. And in my efforts to respect how my siblings handle things, I never ask them to pick between me and our mother for things like holiday gatherings. As a result I am alone for the holidays with my SO and though we always invite them, my siblings never stop by to visit for the holidays. Sometimes I am sucessful in getting us together for a movie before or after the holidays. But I mention this example just to illustrate my feelings. Usually all my interactions with my parents are framed by my siblings as how I would make my parents feel by interacting or not interacting. So I don’t always feel support there either.
I am feeling pretty badly and struggling with suicidal ideation, day to day expectations/feelings of my SO who is very critical and has said some very stupid and hurtful things recently that have caused a complete lapse in trust (again I communicated this to him and he apologized, but still...), and in general “what’s the point of existing” for the reasons I mentioned earlier.
I feel very boxed in and trapped; mentally but also financially, socially, and family-wise. And it is just really hard. I’ve reached out to a local hotline that was very helpful, and the woman told me to give myself credit for accomplishing what I have done, in spite of things. But I can’t.
Edit: Will take this post down in a day or so, just FYI.
Thanks for listening. Bonny has been my number one source of happiness and routine, I am so grateful for her.