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Pimp My Pants or Take a Chance: Get Me Pants

I want to wear outfits like the first two images. Unfortunately, I'm shaped a lot more like the third, without the meaty breast.


Incidentally, why do they say skinny girls have chicken legs? Chickens have super skinny legs - and great big, enormous thighs that don't fit in skinny jeans. (I'm just saying!) And have you ever tried to pair adorable ballet flats or cute hipster shoes with trouser leg pants?

I have.
It isn't cute.
It is not cute.

I'm sick of stupid old people shoes. I want cute shoes! I want skinny jeans! But my thighs are, approximately, 4,753x larger than my calves. Yoga makes them less fatty, but not smaller. Running is (gradually) making them less fatty - but they're expanding. Am I doomed to un-stylishness until bell-bottom pants come back in style?

Can I please model myself after Gap's "Outfits we love!" page? Because that's all I really want in life. It's shallow and superficial and not at all really true, but that's all I want in life right now. (That, and maybe a calorie free breakfast donut. But I'll settle for pants.)

Incidentally: dresses. I used to wear them all the time. Did you know that the wind blows like a motha in the Midwest? It was bad in my previous midwest state, and worse in the one before that ... but too many people have seen my giant, giant, muscular thighs. Way. Too. Many.

NO MORE FLASHING THE LOCALS. Help me find cute pants that will cover mah buns without making me look more porky.

Thank you.

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