Welcome To The Bitchery

Remember a few weeks back when the Texas legislature passed new abortion restrictions in a special session? Lots of protesters, lots of security, and everybody got their bags searched, which is A-OK with me. Unfortunately, in the mess forever to be known as Tampongate, feminine hygiene products (along with condoms and other random shit) were temporarily determined to be a security risk. I guess the idea is that they'd be thrown from the gallery as a disruption, because I can't think of any kind of physical danger they could pose. Of course, this leads to the kind of ironic situation where maxi pads get confiscated at the door while handguns sail right through.

Seems like the typical sort of bureaucratic security fuckup, and they stopped it immediately when one of the senators came down to complain. Where the story turns for me is that the Texas Department of Public Safety issued an official press release to try and deflect the criticism and negative attention Tampongate was already generating. By way of justification, they declared that over eighteen jars loaded with weaponized piss and shit had already been confiscated from the protestors. Then they clam the fuck up and offer no further details whatsoever. I posted about my immediate suspicions on Groupthink already, and I don't want to repeat myself too much, but THEY are the ones full of shit, they're so full of it it's coming out their ears, I didn't know they stacked shit that high, etc, etc.


Fortunately, the Texas Tribune is on the job with an update. Rep. Donna Howard requested an official explanation, and the DPS director doubled down. Unfortunately, no sort of evidence or documentation of said jars exists, cause they were never "confiscated" in the first place. Instead, he contends that the attempted shit bombers were allowed to dispose of their doo-doo ammunition themselves in the trash cans the state merely provided for them. They weren't arrested and they didn't even bother to get their names, because "it would be unreasonable to document names of visitors based on what they might or might not do." The jars of shit definitely existed, but the department never took possession of them, and so there is not and never will be any official report from an individual officer attesting to it. Troopers at the multiple security checkpoints prior to the Senate gallery let the turds through cause there's no law against turds, except for the special security rules at that one area where you have to leave your turds behind.

I'm sure they'd like to consider the matter closed, but fuck that. This one Republican senator said that "nobody has a reason to make up a story about this," but fuck that even more. I mean damn, what a failure of imagination. Plenty of people continue to benefit from the LIE about the doo-doo feces that NEVER EXISTED, but looks like the blue wall of silence has fully descended on this one. I don't often bring out the big guns, but this shit is straight-up scurrilous. It's a shameful, disgusting, completely gross and uncalled for smear, and I don't think it should be allowed to stand.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter