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Please indulge me, GT. I'm getting maudlin

How do you know when you've met the love of your life? Do you think such a thing exists? Because honestly I'm in the scary position of wondering if I've found mine but neither of us are quite ready yet.

Even thinking it feels like a betrayal of our friendship and his trust, which is why i've insisted on us being communicative when things are uncomfortable or frustrating or painful between us. But this is really painful right now, and I really can't tell him.


He's called me his best friend. He's my emergency contact and the only person in this city now who clucks his tongue when I lose weight because I forget to eat. I've crashed on his couch numerous times and he's practically the only person I see movies with nowdays. But now when I'm depressed and really need him he's not there- he's got a new relationship and his own life to live and I want to respect that. On a friend level I miss him. And on...another level...I'm jealous.

I thought I wouldn't be. I went looking for someone else precisely because I wanted to stop mooning over him, and when exGod landed in my lap my feelings for Sokka faded into background noise. But almost immediately after exGod and I broke up Sokka revealed he'd started dating someone, and soon these tiny feelings morphed into annoyance, frustration, jealousy, and all out heartsickness. It's back and it's like none of it went anywhere. Now I just have another person in there jockying for space.


It also sucks because I've long-nursed an inferiority complex. I was an oddball growing up, especially in almost-all white honors classes. All the guys I liked fell for girls who were smaller and smarter and white. I still sometimes feel like a stupid, ugly, giant next to them, and this whole thing with Sokka's new white girlfriend is bringing all of that up.

So the only solution right now is to step away from probably my best friend in the city until I can learn how to handle myself. It's breaking my heart, GT. I don't really know what to do.

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