Oh Lifetime. You love me.

This is Supermarket Star. It is about 'regular people' getting the chance to have their product made and produced for supermarket shelves. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS? WHY?????

Basically, it's people coming on with their own recipes and homemade goods and then the judges try them and tell them how shitty they are, so then they have to tweak or change them and make them less shitty. It's a lot of tears and drama and a lot of 'finally getting the chance to make my dreams come true' and 'this is my last chance' and 'I won't give up on this'. Plus a lot of horrible food items that sound like they were dreamed up by hungry stoners planning meals for a Care Bear reunion dinner.

'Supermarket Star' rivals Breaking Bad in terms of the internal struggle between good and evil. Judge Debbi Fields of Mrs. Fields is the Gustavo Fring of the show, only she is much, much more devious and evil. Judge Michael Chiarello is the tormented moral center, the Skylar White. And Stacey Kiebler is like Badger—someone you can't help but love for being adorable and clueless about everything going on around them. She mostly stands around looking impossibly tall and gorgeous. The one thing I've remembered her saying so far is about another contestant's shoes. Keepin' it real, Stacey.

Then they go into designing packaging and dealing with focus groups and pitching to buyers and stuff. I am down for all of this. This is cooking porn and graphic design porn all in one. I was yelling at my TV because one contestant picked a stupid color for the font on his label. I WAS BORN FOR THIS SHIT.

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I will be marathoning this show for the next 4 or 5 hours. Please feel free to forward me any questions you may have about the show. In case you are wondering how many alcohols you need to consume to enjoy this, I would say you'd be safe with about 2 glasses of chardonnay, or something like a Bloody Mary.