I’m feeling very lost, professionally. I’ve been a production assistant for 3 years. I don’t want to move up in production-it’s incredibly stressful, boring and thankless. I want to sign up for acting classes and try out being an actor. It’s been an interest of mine since I was a little girl, I just never pursued it because I was in school, then I was in college, then I was working all the time. Now I have a little nest egg and I figure I can take some classes and see how I like it. I registered for a class but now that it’s coming to the time to pay for it and make it a sure thing, I’m scared. The class starts tomorrow.
I’m terrified that they’ll think that I’m stupid for trying. I’m terrified that they’ll think I suck. I’m terrified that even though the class says its for beginners, I’ll go in and there will be a bunch of professionals laughing at me because I suck. I’m terrified that it’ll be a waste of money. It’s not expensive but I don’t want to pay for it and then not go because I can’t because I’m afraid.
I never do anything because I’m always afraid of failure. I never try anything that’s not a sure thing. My mom calls this being “cautious”. She’s been at the same company 30-some odd years and she’s miserable. I don’t want to do that. She’s always talking about her pipe dreams of writing and acting but she never does anything about it. I’m following her pattern. I say I’m going to buy a house, I’m going to take real estate classes, I’m going to take acting classes. But I never do it because I’m afraid that I’ll do all the necessary stuff and it won’t come to anything. Or I’ll try to do the necessary stuff and I’ll fail at it because I’m actually terrible.
And it’ll probably be absolutely fine because actors know how scary acting is, especially for beginners and the class is for beginners. They’ll probably be nice and welcoming. It’s just incredibly scary.
I’m 29 years old and I still live with my mother. My sisters have moved on. They live in different states. The older one is getting married this year. The younger one is going to get engaged soon. Her friends (who are years younger than me) are posting their happy marriages and babies on Facebook. I’m a loser. I’m almost 30 and I haven’t done anything with my life but get people coffee.
I want to try this. I want to make something of myself. I want to try to make art. But I’m absolutely terrified that I’ll fail and I’ll be right back here. I’m terrified that this will be a total waste of time and money. Most of all I’m afraid that this will be all there is for the rest of my life. I can’t be a 40 year old PA who lives with her mother. I want a boyfriend. I want my own place. I want a life outside of my mom. I’m sick of this.