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Pls Advise

My fiance and I are in couples therapy right now over some communication issues. Number 1 on my list of issues, which I've talked to him about repeatedly, is his failure to be appropriately supportive when I lost my job last year. I approached him calmly several times to tell him that the things he said to me were deeply hurtful and made me extremely concerned about the level of support that I will get in the future from the relationship. His response was to tell me that I needed to stop trying to make him feel like "a piece of shit" and that it wasn't fair for me to not let fights die. I tried to explain that the issue, for me, went deeper than a mere fight and he needed to understand that he really damaged our relationship. I ended up letting the issue go because our conversations were not productive, but it's been stewing and we finally went to therapy.

I brought this up in therapy last night, and my fiance portrayed it to the therapist as coming as a surprise - he said I had never talked to him about this or told him that it made me question the relationship. I said, "What are you talking about? I brought it up multiple times to you following the event and you told me to stop bringing it up, it wasn't fair for me to dwell on fights." So he then acknowledged to the therapist that I had brought it up but characterized it as me nagging him about it rather than me approaching him calmly with a serious relationship issue that I needed addressed. So my therapist then questioned how much of my issues with my fiance stem from his actual words and how much stem from my childhood verbal / emotional abuse.

I find this really troubling because it apparently did not sink in at all how much of a problem his actions created, and now in therapy it's being addressed as me taking what he said originally the wrong way in light of my past childhood emotional abuse. This is very distressing to me; I feel as though our therapist is participating in gaslighting me.


I would like to do one of two things — either (1) talk to my fiance about it and ask for him to acknowledge to the therapist at the next session what actually happened; or (2) email the therapist to explain that the version that was presented was not accurate and explain the actual course of events.

My concern is that if I email her directly, it will further encourage the idea that I get emotionally overwrought and she will further buy into my fiance's version of events and the problem will only get worse.


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