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#Poopgate: the Doo-Doo Dénoument

Illustration for article titled #Poopgate: the Doo-Doo Dénoument

I said I would follow this story as far as it takes me, and I always try to make good on my threats. On Monday, the Texas Department of Poo Safety released a massive dump of documents flushed out by numerous public information requests. Poopgate, the greatest doo-doo scandal of our time, has completely overshadowed Tampongate, which was itself the greatest sanitary device scandal ever known. A recap, following my own progress in understanding this story:

On July 12, the Texas Senate was being swarmed by crowds that were mostly female, and mostly pissed about the stupid anti-abortion bill they were taking a second special session to ram through. Everyone got their bags searched, and the state troopers started confiscating ladies' tampons and pads cause they were worried they were going to start chucking them at the lawmakers or something. A big stink developed as a result, and to deflect criticism, Texas DPS released a statement (by mystery author) certifying not only that the threat was real, but "officers have thus far discovered one jar suspected to contain urine, 18 jars suspected to contain feces, and three bottles suspected to contain paint."

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My initial reaction to this was just "Ha ha ha, cops lie, the end." It's just the classic pattern where the police go too far, like they beat somebody bloody, so now they have to say that the guy took a swing at them first. It just didn't pass the smell test (ha ha, more puns incoming), so pretty much everyone knew it was a lie from the start. Only after the DPS director officially doubled down on the bullshit did I truly sink my teeth

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This image was lost some time after publication.
This image was lost some time after publication.

into the rich, chocolatey conspiracy surrounding this case. Later on, loathsome Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst claimed in a web interview with the Waco Tea Party that he himself had witnessed the state troopers

"getting bottles out and smelling them, they were getting water bottles out and smelling and they had urine in it. And there were bags they had set aside and were going to put in the trash and throw it out, of feces. Just despicable. Despicable."

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I was skeptical, not least because this lying douche is 6'5" (I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You tryin' to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere?) and utterly despised, so everyone knows he was never anywhere near the checkpoints because the protestors would have seen him immediately and screamed the whole house down.

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This brings us to Monday, when the public information requests finally pried loose a load of internal documents from an intentionally constipated Department of Public Safety. In them, they reveal that the cops were asking themselves the same question everyone else was: Can we please find one person willing to go on the record and say that yes, I saw the shit bombs and they actually exist and weren't totally made up? *sound of crickets chirping* Other funny shit came out too, like how the DPS director's much-vaunted photographic evidence revealed their haul of three bricks (used to prop open doors, found lying in the hallway), a small bottle of acrylic paint, and a fuzzy picture of a small jar that they're "still trying to get clarification on." Embarrassing, and also hilarious. Not so funny is that the documents also reveal that DPS was (ham-fistedly) attempting to spy on and infiltrate anti-abortion groups — a courtesy they didn't extend to pro-lifers. Also, it kind of sucks that the cops in Texas are so biased politically that they orchestrate smear campaigns against political organizations they disagree with.

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