I started seeing a new doctor today. He's my fiance's doctor so he came highly recommended it. He seems genuinely concerned with helping me get out of the danger zone I'm in. I'm 270 pounds with high blood pressure and type 2 diabetis. He changed up my medicine, dropping the Glyburide and adding a pen that injects medicine called Victoza. On top of that he added Lipitor for cholesterol, and a different med to control blood sugar. I thought things were going to be ok, then I saw the price for the Victoza. $574.11.

I don't have that money. I don't know if I will ever have that money. And frankly, all this has done is made me wonder if I will ever drop enough weight to be healthy again and maybe it would be easier if I just died. Because right now I don't see a shining light at the end of the tunnel. Back in 2008-2009, I did drop a lot of weight, I went from 260- 200. But all the doctor then could tell me is that it wasn't enough, I was still obese. It really depressed me and made me feel like no matter what I do I'm never going to be not obese. So then I move from Maine to Oklahoma, start a job, lose a job, get depressed, eat and now I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was when I started all this.

So frankly I'm beginning to wonder, what the fuck is the point? I mean, yeah I could workout an hour a day for a year. Maybe I'll lose the weight. Or maybe my lack of willpower will once again kick in and I'll eat Chinese buffets once a month like I do now and gain back everything I lose. Either is possible. So what's the point really? I mean, yeah I have a good job, my fiancé who loves me and I love her, and we're about to start our lives together soon.

But right now all I'm seeing is a future of pricy drugs, barely clinging to life, living on the borderline of insulin and replacement limbs and blindness. I don't want to live that way. But I have no faith in my ability to eat healthy consistently and work out. And I hate everyone who supposedly loves me reminding me of my weight issues. I know I'm a fat piece of crap who's going to die soon if I don't change my evil sinful glutonous ways. Maybe I should just do it now and save everyone the trouble.