Here’s a guilty kitty for the jump

I’ve written about my complicated relationship before and I guess I’m a glutton for punishment because I’m still in it and have added an extra layer of complication. Long story short, I’ve been in a “non-relationshp” with a guy for about 9 months. Early on, we agreed to not sleep with other people, even though we weren’t together. But I decided to stop sleeping with him two months ago because I realized that it just wasn’t good for my emotional health. The fact that we hang out, coupled with regular sex, made it a relationship in my mind, even if we didn’t acknowledge it.

Since I was no longer getting penis from him, I went in search of new penis. And I found it. This weekend, I slept with a former co-worker that flirted with me when I first started at the place and it was amazing. Part of the reason why I wanted to stop sleeping with my friend was because I needed something that he just couldn’t provide: a hard, big dicked pounding. I am, was, and will probably always be, a size queen. And my friend suffers from sexual dysfunction. And while the sex is good, it was lacking in certain areas.

The new romp surprised me when he pulled it out. Like, I actually said, “OMG, I heard you had a small dick. Why did she lie?” And it was glorious.

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But then I hung out with my old friend and he asked if we could have sex. And I said no, and felt awful. I know it’s my body and my choice. But I know he would be hurt if he knew I slept with someone else. We agreed to tell the other when we started seeing other people, and I will. But the person I slept with will not be a regular. It was a one-off thing that happened because I was complaining about needing to get fucked (we have the kind of friendship where we can say that to each other and be each other’s wingperson).

It feels like I cheated. But how can I cheat on my non-boyfriend? He’s a sweet man, who would do anything to help me. I don’t want to be an asshole to him. I won’t tell him because I know the only good that will come out it is the clearing of my conscience at his expense. But I still feel like a shitty person. Am I?

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Edited for clarity: My non boyfriend is the one who didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. And we’ve discussed our non-relationsip extensively. He know I’m actively looking for a proper relationship elsewhere, so he’s under no illusions that I’m waiting for him to change his mind or hoping to be with him.