I don't know if this is placebo or if Prozac is really that much of a better fit for me but the last couple days I have felt like a different person. I even made dinner while watching her last night so Mr. Haa could go out and shovel the driveway. I've been interacting with her and feeding her more often. My husband told me he was proud of me and can really see a difference in my mood. I still feel sad about the breastfeeding and I don't really know how I will react when I have to explain to people that we're no longer breastfeeding. Mr. Haa thinks I should just tell people my milk dried up and no one is sure why. Still that feels like admitting there is something wrong with not breastfeeding. It's a valid choice I keep trying to tell myself. Mr. Haa and I are going out to happy hour with some coworkers tonight and I actually look forward to going out and being social.
I brought up Mr. Haa coming to a couple sessions with the therapist and she thought it would be a great idea. He's struggles with dealing with my depression at times and deserves ways to cope with having a depressed partner. He will talk to my dad but only after things get too hard and he reaches a breaking point. He needs to be talking to someone more often I think.
We talked about my poor body image and how it's been affecting my sex life. She wasn't very helpful there but we started talking about it towards the end of the session so maybe we can explore it more later on. Basically she told me I looked great for having had a baby 3 months ago, I'm pretty, and that I should talk to my OB about Miderma for the stretch marks. Idk it didn't seem like the most helpful advice. I'm really hard on myself and I think the fact that I can't change my looks to be more how I want them, short of major plastic surgery, makes me obsess and dwell on my imperfections. My husband keeps assuring me that he didn't marry me because of my looks and well I know that's meant to be a compliment it feels like "I settled for an ugly girl with a good personality." I'm not in middle school anymore, I've grown up and I know there are plenty of gorgeous women who are also smarter and funnier than me. It's not an either/or.
I told her about my mom and this weekend and how I just felt better about keeping our relationship superficial for now. The therapist doesn't see a problem with this as long as I deal with her eventually. She seems to think my mom is threatened by me and feels jealous of me. I don't know if I agree with that but it's an interesting theory. The therapist also asked me if I wanted to have another kid someday. I told her that yes I had always wanted more than one child but I'm scared to because I don't know if we could handle PPD and two children. She said it was a good sign that I was open to the idea of having more children despite my reservations. And I know I will be getting mental health care during my pregnancy and after.
Anyways just wanted to update everyone and let you know I'm doing a lot better. I'm sure I'm still in for my share of bad days but I don't feel so hopeless anymore.