I thought I'd give you all an update on how I'm doing since I saw my therapist today. I filled her in on the drama surrounding my Christmases and how my husband finally stepped up and stood up for our family. That Christmas turned out to be pleasant, my mom was the mom I needed all along, I got offered a better position at work, I wasn't feeling quite so overwhelmed by the baby. Things were going good. Keyword? Were.
I shared with a few of you this weekend I was having a rough time again with her. I had so much anxiety thinking about being alone with her this weekend. I gave her one bottle the entire weekend. I hardly interacted with her at all. My husband noticed on Saturday something was up and asked me about it. I admitted I was feeling anxious. He said it was okay and that I should just focus on doing something else around the house instead. He'd take on Baby Haa. I felt like shit about it but was glad he didn't make me feel worse. I told the therapist about my backslide and she thought the stress of the holidays had a lot to do with it. I told her I judged myself so harshly, felt like others judged me, compared myself to everyone. She told me I need to step back and realize it's no one else's business. I am kind of frustrated because duh, I know I SHOULD be doing all these things. That doesn't mean I can stop my brain from feeling like there's this spotlight on me and everyone is expecting perfectionism from me at all times. I'm not sure she can help me much more. She said I seemed to be doing much better and should keep my next appointment with her but after that I'd probably be good.
I know I have a tendency to downplay my troubles but I think I was pretty clear with her about how much I struggled this weekend. She just told me to tell my husband right away when I start feeling overwhelmed instead of waiting for him to notice. Good advice. But again that manages the problem, doesn't solve the root of it. I really believe I will continue to have breakdowns about this stuff if I don't resolve it. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm hoping to be a little more assertive with her. I am getting better but I do think I'm still depressed some of the time. I still have a high level of anxiety about little day to day things. I still have a terrible body image and no self-esteem. I want to fix these issues so I don't unintentionally pass them down to my daughter. I hope I am able to get the psychiatrist to understand I still need a lot of help.
I also want to apologize to you Groupthink. I feel really poorly about how I've talked about myself in the past. Mostly because I was selfish and didn't think how hearing my cruel words could trigger or hurt you all. You are my friends and I don't ever want you to feel shitty about yourselves because of something I said about myself. I've been pretty clear in my posts that I only judge myself to this inhuman standard and I try to add trigger warnings but I know I have the tendency to seek out things that trigger me so again I'm sorry. I don't know if I should just stop talking about my feelings though because they are so prevalent and speaking anonymously on the internet is so much easier than being truthful with my therapist in person. I don't know. All I do is that I'm really sorry if I've hurt anyone.