Man, it’s been a hell of a week, and it’s only Monday.
In short, someone I cared about a great deal hurt me, and I need to write it down in order to help me process things. (I’m still in the raw processing phase here, so please don’t say ‘You should have done x’ or ‘Why did you do y?’ or anything similar. I’m already wondering that myself.)
A while back, this person told me he wanted to be friends, that he ‘barely had time for [himself], let alone a girlfriend’. And since he was upfront with that, I respected it, and stepped back.
I was also fine doing so because after my breakup back in spring I wanted to step away from dating for a bit and work toward getting a car and a job. I not have a car (thanks to my sister and brother-in-law) and a job, and I felt I could comfortably look at dating again. Since I tend to not want to have these types of discussions via text, I wanted to see if he might be open to slowly building more of a relationship now that I was more capable.
Then I learned he has a girlfriend. Without telling me (not that he was required to, please don’t get me wrong here.)
Since we talk a fair bit on Facebook, I messaged him. I told him that I was hurt he didn’t tell me, given he knew how much I cared for him, and that I’d hoped to actually talk directly (as opposed to via text) about where we might go.
Here’s how things went from there:
~First response from him (in a nutshell): ‘I told you I wasn’t interested in you’ finished with a faux-pologetic ‘I’m sorry you felt led on, but I was clear about my wants”. Which was a lie. I was NEVER told anything of that sort. We NEVER talked about where things were going, besides the aforementioned quote.
~I pointed out he’d never actually told me any of that besides the ‘barely have time for myself’ bit I quoted from him, and his tactic changed. Now, he ‘couldn’t be sure how [I] would handle rejection’, along with an example of a time when I took rejection poorly due to being a) tired, b) in pain, and c) an idiot who misread the scenario. I apologized for mishandling it, but firmly replied that one scenario does not equate never taking rejection well. I wouldn’t have taken it nearly as badly as he thought, and it feels infantilizing that he assumes I would have.
~I brought up how he wants a stable partner who can take care of themselves, and asked how he can hold that view when she has been staying with him for the last few months (and only working now since late last month...no judgment from me. I know all too well how hard work is to find, so more power to her for getting the job!), especially after he told me several times in the past that he ‘couldn’t be a lifeline’ out of my parents’ place. That part especially gets me because when I see the ‘lifeline’ comment, my first thought is he thought I only saw him as a potential meal ticket. Which I never did; I always knew I was/am the only one who can save me. So this felt like a huge double-standard to me, and I said as much. Of course, he flipped on me, denying that he ever thought I thought he was just a means to an end, that if he’d felt I did he wouldn’t still be talking to me...one big pile of ‘methinks the gentleman doth protest too much’.
About this point, I just kinda gave up. Not that he won or anything, I just got tired of dealing with his BS (plus I had a movie date with a friend). Since then, I’m stuck in this ‘Well, shit’ feeling. I cared about him, and I know he has a fair number of good points. BUT! He also did the following:
1) Lied to me twice
2) Made excuses when I called out his lying
3) Twisted things to make it seem like my fault things happened the way they did.
In addition to having been married twice already, he doesn’t like women who challenge him, as I’ve found out the hard way. I can point out his inconsistencies toward me, and not get an answer. Like, he’ll tease me and expect me to have a thick skin and take it, but if he’s the one being teased he gets all angry about it. Or, as happened one time, I can politely point out that posting Breitbart/Infowars/Heat Street links and presenting them as factual isn’t a good thing, and he tells me I’m ‘too critical’. I doubt he tells his male friends they’re too critical for saying the same thing I did.
In the end? I don’t know. I don’t want his relationship to fail, but given the baggage I know the guy has, it just feels like a matter of ‘when’, not ‘if’. Right now, he’s hidden on my FB so I can figure out what to do from here. My friend tells me to ditch him, that he’s toxic, and having caught him in lies, what’s to say he won’t lie or try to manipulate me further? Personally, while I might have a place for him in my life in the future, he needs to get some MAJOR work done on himself before I’ll consider it. I kinda want to wash my hands of the guy, yet a tiny part of me doesn’t want to.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I’m tired and I need sleep for another work day tomorrow. If there’s anything weird or confusing I’ll try to clarify in the morning. But I hope you understand I might not even know since I’m still working through a lot, emotionally.