I've made the very big mistake of donating to political campaigns in my past, so now I get monthly calls. I used to ignore them, but they kept coming, I used to reason with them, but I was on the phone forever, then I remembered that I used to be one of them and I know their script. So I should use it against them.

I called for my college's telefund when I was in school. I made about $5000 a week for our Libraries, which was really fucking good as far as libraries went. The sports got the big money, but that's another post! This one is on how to deal with telefund callers.

So, here was my script (which differs from the political campaign's script in one crucial way):

Intro: Tell them who you are and why you're calling.

Bonding: Ask them questions about their college experience, tell them some of yours. This will make them like you on a personal level, and will make them give you money since it's harder to say no to someone you like. I was really good at this part, that's why I got that money, honey. This is the part that the political campaigns omit, to their detriment.


Cause: There's important shit going down! Tell them about this important shit that needs their money!

Asks: You ask for money five times, starting high and ending with a reasonable by comparison $25. When they say no and offer excuses, you say that you totally understand, life's rough, and read off the canned response to their objection that they need to talk to their wife, and move on to the next ask. Rinse, repeat. You're only allowed to give up after five nos.

So. This is how your conversation is going to go:


Telefund Caller (TC): Hello, is So and So available? (extra points for mispronouncing your name. Do not correct them, you will only utter two words during this call.)


So and So (SS): Speaking.

TC: <speaks without a break for 1-3 minutes about how terrible GOP governors are, then asks for too much money>

SS: No.

TC: ... erhm... Well... <taken aback, stammers on about how life is hard> How about this still too high dollar sum?


SS: No.

TC: ...uhh... <stutters, feebly tries to say something intelligible, asks for more money>

SS: No.

TC: Oh, well. Have a nice day. (The more dedicated and/or battle hardened of the bunch may actually ask five times, this is rare. In this case, continue to answer "no.")


SS: You too, bye now!

And that is how you defeat telefund callers with two simple words.

Do this, it's very satisfying and you will win every time. You can ask to be taken off the list, but you won't be taken off the list. If you are, congratulations, you've won at life! But if you're like me and are on all the lists, this is foolproof. People always offer excuses, and the poorly trained telefund callers don't know how to handle a flat "no."