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PTSD is the actual WORST y'all

I know I have PTSD. I've had PTSD for almost a decade now. I should be used to it. But I thought things were getting better. Then I had two triggers in the same week.

  • I thought I saw the guy who used to stalk me at the metro station. I immediately flipped out and hid behind a pillar.
  • There was a loud noise in class and someone joked that it could be a school shooter. (As I was recovering from the stalking there was a large shooting at my last school). I immediately couldn't breathe and started shaking and everyone was staring, but I just kept pretending nothing was wrong. Which in hindsight probably made me look like even more of a headcase.

Now I can't sleep, I'm up until three or four every night. I'm making excuses to not go outside. Right now I should be playing with my friends in central park, but I said that I wasn't feeling well. Everyone in my classes talks about what a hard worker I am, but the truth is I'm getting a lot done because I'm too scared to leave my room. Worse, I keep taking out my stress on the most stable relationship in my life. I just keep asking him if he's sure he loves me, because honestly...I don't get it. I don't love me. I don't even really like me. I'm some weirdo who hides behind pillars and makes everyone feel weird and awkward.

I know some other people have the PTSD. Does it ever freaking get better? I eventually want to have a normal life. :/

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