I need something delivered, like, last night before I went to bed. Sadly, I didn't realize it last night before I went to bed, so now I have to try to order it same-day delivery to my door. No problem. I live in San Francisco, right? Haha.

I've been having some issues with some variety of stomach contagion, which has gotten much better. I knew last night that I still had a fever but I'd gone a day and a half without significant incident, so I was happy to be feeling better. Then at 2am, I got hit with gas cramps, you know the kind— the ones where you think it might be gas or maybe something worse but you're secretly convinced that your intestines might be exploding? The ones where you try to remember whether the side of your large intestine that goes up is on the left so you can figure out which side to lay on and then lay on your back just so you don't have to sit upright to Google it? Those.

All I wanted was some delivery Gas-X. Yes, there is literally a Walgreens 4 blocks from my apartment but I would have to walk there because my car is parked 3 blocks in a different direction. I spent the night tossing and turning and groaning and wishing that someone would put me out of my misery and then at 8:45 it struck me: same day grocery delivery! I went to teh Internets.

Safeway.com

I set up a Safeway account on Sunday, hoping to get a toilet paper and Pedialyte infusion. The site didn't give me much information prior to setting up an account, but I have a Safeway card and it said "1 hour delivery." Why not give them even more personal info? Oh cool! First delivery is free and comes with bottled water. That's actually kind of helpful. I filled up my cart with some hypoallergenic to me icky-stomach-safe foods, some fluids, and toilet paper. Then I went to checkout and... no delivery on Sunday? Frack. Next.

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Instacart.com

This site should be the poster child for lack of pre-signup information. I couldn't even see what delivery items they offered before signing up, but apparently, they send a personal shopper to the grocery store and then drive it over. I think of some nice safe foods from Whole Foods, so I sign up and head over there to get some of those tasty hypoallergenic to me energy bars which... are literally twice the price of buying them in store? OK, how about some liquids. Also twice the price. I expect a markup but Jimminy cricket. Now I know why I couldn't browse before signing up. Love the link at the bottom to complain if we think the price of "an item" is unfair. Hilarious. It appears that they are completely aware of this problem. Newp.

Thankfully, my car was parked in front of my apartment so I waited until the coast seemed clear and went to Whole Foods. Thankfully, I made it back without incident.

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But then this morning, ugh. I might have gotten a 2 hour stretch of sleep last night with pockets of 15-20 minutes here and there. Seriously, I have 80 Kinja notifications and my cranky pants are on. I'd best leave that alone. In the meantime, would some business please take my money and bring me some Gas-X?

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The Return of Safeway.com

So back to Safeway with my first delivery coupons I go. They say "valid for 24 hours" but they also say "use by April 2," so maybe I'll still get free water, but if not the free delivery coupon is for any first order. I add Gas-X to the cart. I need to hit a $49 minimum so I decide to stock up on some household goods. I go to the schedule delivery page. Wait, what? Oh I see. The problem that I had on Sunday wasn't necessarily that they don't deliver on Sunday, it's that they don't take same-day-delivery orders after... 20 minutes ago. Oh screw you, Safeway. One hour delivery? Oh, that's a one-hour time window tomorrow. That is not the same thing. I hate you.

Oh wait, there's that place does immediate order (I think) liquor and snacks place. Let me find...

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SF Room Service Food and Liquor

Seriously, guise. Delivery liquor. What could go wrong? Oh. What could go wrong is that they don't stock Gas-X. Poop. I mean... not... never mind. I guess I'll try them some other time.

I go back to Google and I search for same day pharmacy delivery and oh hey! Google does that.

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Google Shopping Express

Same day delivery, has Gas-X in stock, prices aren't insane, $10 first purchase coupon. Jackpot! Gas-X goes in the cart. Oh and some of those nice hypoallergenic for me cookies, also sold at Target. Well, shoot, it's Target. I never did get toilet paper... omg that package of toilet paper is huge. Into the cart. Yay! Going to checkout, singing some hold music to myself, sign up for Google Wallet, which— I have two Android devices that I by stuff on with this Google account. How is that not Google Wallet? Whatever, schedule a time window: 1-5pm. Holy cats that's pretty good turn around and... Submit Order!

Uh oh! There was a problem! Reload and try again later!

Serously? OK, maybe there was a problem in my delivery info or payment method. That looks ok. That's good. I'll try checking this box and Submit Order.

Uh oh! There was a problem! Reload and try again later!

I... what? Fine. I'll wait 5 minutes. Annnnnd Submit Order!

Uh oh! There was a problem! Reload and try again later!

Wait! I'm on my old Mac. I wasn't able to checkout at GitHub because the OS is old and Flash player can't be updated to something reasonable. Maybe it can't submit because my browser or Flash Player is too old. To the Android phone!

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Go to Google Play. Search for Google Shopping Express. Install App. Oh yay! It has my cart filled. Woooo. At least that went well. Go to checkout. No valid payment options? Ugh. Fine. I'll reenter my credit card info even though Google Wallet found my credit card on my Mac because I bought apps in the app store with my credit card on this phone. Pick a 1-5 time slot annnnnd Submit Order.

Unable to process.

Um... seriously, Google? Alright. One more time. Oh shoot. It didn't keep my delivery time selection and it might not get here until 9pm! EEP. UNDO! UNDO! Frack. Too late.

Unable to process.

Seriously. You're Google and you set up a shopping site and you don't even set up a message queue to take my order if something in the pipeline goes wrong, so my order just doesn't submit and I get an error message that there's basically nothing that I can do to fix it. Good job.

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Now I know why there's a $10 off first order coupon. Because it doesn't work. Fine, you want me to come back later? I'll waste some time writing a review of my online shopping experience.

Verdict

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Two services hid information from me about delivery timing or pricing in a way that quite honestly, feels deceitful. Two services offered "first time" coupons in what appears to be an attempt to keep me from giving up the first time, until I adjust to how crappy they are. One doesn't stock Gas-X but they do stock vodka, so I'll try them some other time.

It was here that I decided to get dressed and walk to Walgreens, with an intent to warn you all that if you see a chubby white lady on the ground doubled over in pain, please don't mug me. I'm already having a bad day. But I'm almost finished with this post so... One last time, Google Shopping Express.

Thank You!

Your order has been submitted! We'll keep you posted.

I'm going back to bed.