I met with the survivor advocate on campus today. After a good, long, hard cry (seriously, I needed it) in her office, she told me she would reach out to my professors and reiterate to them that she’s been working me as I get through this trauma, and ask that they remain flexible with my absences. She said she would also look into what it would take for me to get an incomplete in one or more classes without financial aid being negatively affected. I’m not quite there yet, I would honestly rather take a B or a C than an “I” at this point, but it’s good to feel like someone is working on my behalf.

I am going to my professor’s office tomorrow morning at 11 to discuss the group project and other work I still need to make up. I have spoken to everyone in the group at this point, and it seems like everyone is confused about what exactly is expected in the project...the syllabus is really unclear. So, I am going to take notes during the meeting with my prof and then pass them on to the group. We don’t present until next week it turns out, so I am hoping our professor will give us some grace to get the project done up until then, fingers crossed. We did talk in group text about what each person will do and I feel better about the whole thing.

I have another project due on Friday, but it’s a reflection paper I have already started on. I am confident I can get it done. Next is an autobiography review for my career counseling course- I think I’m going to pick up Hard Choices by HRC.

Thank you GT for being a source of kindness and support for me. I appreciate you all. I’m curled up on my couch with Catface and The Addams Family on tv. I ate dinner, and I am about to soak in an epsom salt bath, then maybe I will color for awhile. I did some research for the group project earlier before I met the survivor advocate, and I think I’m done exerting a ton of brainpower tonight. I need to rest.

Also, I posted something on my FB about grief. A friend of mine left a comment along the lines of “Jeff (name changed) isn’t hurting anymore, he wouldn’t want you to be this sad.” True, Jeff wouldn’t want me to hurt forever. But, it’s only been a week since we buried him. I’m not going to delude myself into being some fake version of happy or deny my real experience. Jeff REALLY wouldn’t want that for me, more importantly I don’t want that for me, because it would be phony and inauthentic, and it hurts worse to hide my feelings. The only way I feel better through any of this is to acknowledge where I’m at. Anyway. I don’t think my friend meant harm by it, but I left a reply to him that said “I need to feel my way through this. I’m not getting stuck, but I have to ride the wave when it comes.”