Four things. One is defiantly a first world problem, the second is a revisions problem, the third is a problem of my abilities. The fourth is not a problem-it's the thing I'm holding on to, in order to negate the first three.

  1. Rage: The personal shopper I scheduled yesterday a) Did not show up on time; b) The woman who was in charge rushed me around the floor because they put back the stuff they pulled for my VERY SPECIFIC needs; c) The personal shopper who finally showed could not find anything that fit me (Bloomingdales does not carry 5' tall, XXS, fitted, colorful, professional clothes, ugh); d) My doctor called in the middle of the session, I had to go home-turns out I need more blood work done. I had a panic attack. I have to go to the mall today. Hopefully I'm saved. Sorry about the first world, privileged problem-may not seem like a lot to you, but it means a Hell of a lot to me. Oh yeah, I also ate all the candy again. Apologies if that seems like another shallow, idiotic problem.
  2. I did my speech wrong. I cut it back (too long), but realized my (badass) conclusion was way off topic. On the bright side, my abstract is online-a real honor. I'm really under the gun though.
  3. I'm so tired. I feel like I haven't practiced enough. That I'm pulling it off at the last minute. That I won't impress. That I'm just...I can't do it. I know I can, but it's that feeling of inadequacy. Also the personal shopper fiasco, doctor call, revisions needed did not help.
  4. But I'm so proud. Happy. Excited. No one will take that from me. I may be underprepared, I may need to shop to look good for the Dean, I may need to impress (my already impressed) faculty mentor, I may need to walk up a hill and be sweaty and put my heels on at the last minute and pray to the hair gods that it doesn't get fucked up...but at least, at last-I am someone I want to be.