Four things. One is defiantly a first world problem, the second is a revisions problem, the third is a problem of my abilities. The fourth is not a problem-it's the thing I'm holding on to, in order to negate the first three.
- Rage: The personal shopper I scheduled yesterday a) Did not show up on time; b) The woman who was in charge rushed me around the floor because they put back the stuff they pulled for my VERY SPECIFIC needs; c) The personal shopper who finally showed could not find anything that fit me (Bloomingdales does not carry 5' tall, XXS, fitted, colorful, professional clothes, ugh); d) My doctor called in the middle of the session, I had to go home-turns out I need more blood work done. I had a panic attack. I have to go to the mall today. Hopefully I'm saved. Sorry about the first world, privileged problem-may not seem like a lot to you, but it means a Hell of a lot to me. Oh yeah, I also ate all the candy again. Apologies if that seems like another shallow, idiotic problem.
- I did my speech wrong. I cut it back (too long), but realized my (badass) conclusion was way off topic. On the bright side, my abstract is online-a real honor. I'm really under the gun though.
- I'm so tired. I feel like I haven't practiced enough. That I'm pulling it off at the last minute. That I won't impress. That I'm just...I can't do it. I know I can, but it's that feeling of inadequacy. Also the personal shopper fiasco, doctor call, revisions needed did not help.
- But I'm so proud. Happy. Excited. No one will take that from me. I may be underprepared, I may need to shop to look good for the Dean, I may need to impress (my already impressed) faculty mentor, I may need to walk up a hill and be sweaty and put my heels on at the last minute and pray to the hair gods that it doesn't get fucked up...but at least, at last-I am someone I want to be.