I did it. I went and talked to the genetic counselor today, and after an hour and a half of what felt like an interrogation, I finally got to take the test. The test itself wasn't bad (rinse mouth with Scope for FOREVER and then spit in a tube a few times), but I now have a million more things to stress about.
My mom refuses to share her results, so the genetics lab has to do more general test, which costs $4000 (instead of the ~$500 for the more focused test based on her results). And while it *should* be covered by insurance, the counselor said that my company is very picky, and without my mom's results there's no guarantee they will pay. If they deny it, she can appeal for me, but that can delay my results up to 3-6 MONTHS. Or, we can push through the test and I can pay the $4000 ("oh, don't worry, they have a payment plan!"), then appeal and hope I get reimbursed. So. That sucks.
She still encouraged me to get the test because even without knowing my mom's results, she put me in the "very high risk" category, which means that it's likely the mutation is in my family somewhere due to our history. Awesome.
Right now I have a follow up appointment on November 7th to get my results, but she promised they'd call me if they came back sooner.
After the test, I sat in my car and cried for a half hour, then came home. I have since changed into pajamas, ordered a pizza (really should be saving money) and made a gallon of Crystal lite to mix with vodka. Thank Gob I planned ahead and bought cigarettes earlier. MitsuBT is busy with really important work stuff, and none of my friends know what's going on, so it looks like I'm going to be alone tonight. Might as well get drunk and full of pizza.
I really don't want to be alone tonight.
Edit: Oh, and thank you so much for all your kind words earlier, GT. I can't access GT at work, so I couldn't reply to you individually, but it really helped me get through work today. Thanks!