Hi guys. First: I love you. I know that sounds silly to say to internet strangers, but I really do. I'm so thankful for you all, for this community, for the intelligence and depth and humor that abounds here; it brightens up my day.
You've all helped me MORE than you can ever know with your compassion and wisdom and kindness. I'm so sorry if I come across as needy with these posts. But...I am. I realize that I bottle and bottle and bottle my emotions because I don't want to bother people with them. I cant really open up and lean on the shoulders of my wonderful IRL friends because I'm afraid they'll think I'm pathetic.
I realize I do have to start opening up though, and letting people listen, and starting allowing myself to feel my feelings and not hate myself for them, and feel that they are an affront to the people in my life. I'll start small, and express myself here.
Right now, I'm in the throes of what I have self diagnosed as depression. I am so angry at myself that i CANNOT seem to practice basic self care. My goal right now is to gain weight, but I cannot bring myself to eat for stretches at a time. It's bizarre. I hate the weight I'm at now, dream of being rounder and fuller, but...i just feel too shitty to do anything. My appetite is ZERO. And it is such torture to force myself to eat when I don't feel hungry. And then I feel lazy and despicable, because y'know, my life is fine, especially in comparison to so many.
Boy troubles are not even really troubles, I just feel mad at myself that I remain so taken with the guy I'm trying to get over. I really want to love and accept myself. I think people can sense self loathing, and it shapes their perception of you. I feel boring and skinny and stupid and aimless.
I've Have any of you read Codependent no more? I saw it recommended many times in the comments section of Ask Polly. I think I'll check it out, though I'm not really sure what co-dependency means. But judging how often it pops up on the columns that seem relevant to me, I have a feeling it is very applicable to me.
Trying not to think negative thoughts. Trying to be kind to myself. Because I know life is a gift and I don't want to squander mine by sinking into a mire of self-pity and loathing. Thanks for listening <3