I went out to get drinks with a friend tonight.

For those who DON’T religiously follow all things Shiny, I’m a native of Martha’s Vineyard.

My friend got far too drunk texting his lady friend, and I ended up chilling with another friend who ended up calling her SiL’s cab company to bring me home. My phone had died, and I was grateful for the ride.

The cab gets me, and immediately says “I have to pick up another fare.” We head into town. His fare doesn’t show up. A drunk dude starts banging on the side of the cab to go in the opposite direction. Cabbie says no. Drunk dude starts pounding on the side of the cab, shouting that cabbie ran over his foot. Like, POUNDING. Cabbie is Serbian. Drunk dude is American. Cabbie gets ticket. I’m in the cab for the whole 30 minutes where the cops figure this shit out.

Random drunk dude gets in the cab. Three minutes in, decides I’m “pretty.” Starts rubbing my shoulders. I tell him this is making me uncomfortable. Drunk dude shoves his hand down my shirt. I pull it out. Drunk dude tries to kiss my neck. I politely (too politely, I’m drunk too) request he stop. He keeps asking me to come home with him, telling me how much money he has (does he think I’m a prostitute?). I keep grabbing his hand and pulling it out of my shirt. Apparently, he’s decided my breasts are for anyone to touch who is interested. I keep asking him to stop. I tell him if he doesn’t, I’ll press charges, and I’m a lawyer.

At this point, we’re at his house (which looks like a palace). He asks me if I’m totally sure I don’t want to come in. I tell him he assaults me again, I will deglove his nuts (google it).

Advertisement

Cab drives me home. Says that it’s normally $24, but because my friend said she knew his boss, it’s $22.

I got delayed by a drunk asshole. Molested by a drunk tourist. Home over an hour after the cabbie picked me up despite living 10 minutes away.

And I paid for this experience.