A by no means comprehensive list, in no particular order, of red flags, big and small, that I missed. First five years edition.
- HOW DID I FORGET THIS ONE — I was told many many times that he should be allowed to have a make-out session with the woman of his choice for every time I kissed another man in a play, whether rehearsal or performance. So I stopped doing theater.
- When he used to tell me, constantly, how lucky I was to be with him because he didn't cheat on me.
- He would also tell me I was lucky to be with him because he didn't keep constant tabs on me: "It's not like I married you because I hated you and needed to know where you were all the time."
- Repeated often: "If this room isn't picked up by the time I get home, I'm divorcing you." (said as a "joke.")
- Never taking no for an answer when offering me food.
- Becoming angry and upset if I did not eat everything handed to me.
- Becoming angry and upset if I did not drink the offered mug of tea, despite it being not requested and far too sweet.
- Constantly belittling me for refusing food because it was too sweet.
- Ridiculing the fact that I wore make-up until I stopped wearing make-up.
- When clothes shopping, he would become angry and upset if I didn't like the clothes he found for me. Also, if he was along when I was shopping with my mother, he would become very upset if I bought more items picked out by my mother than by him.
- Constant complaints that I was a different person when my parents were around.
- Constant complaints that my parents did not love and accept him as part of the family as much as his parents loved me. (My parents live half-way across the country and we would see them once or twice a year; his parents lived in town and we would see them once or twice a week.)
- For every decision, he had to get his father's advice, but never mine.
- His extreme reluctance to put my name on his bank account when we were first married.
- His insistence that all grocery shopping, etc., be done either together or on his own.
- His private insistence that he didn't really believe the racist and homophobic drek that he would spew whenever he got around his family or friends.
- The fact that I had several different cars over the years, but never had input in choosing them
- That whenever I made plans with one of my friends, there was always some reason that I needed to change the timing until I stopped making plans.
- When I was hurt that my friends were abandoning me (because he was monopolizing my time to such a great extent), I was told that I had had plenty of time to get over it and that he never wanted to hear about it again.
- When I was lonely and upset because I no longer had any friends, I was pushed into "playdates" with his female friends. Then he would be hurt and upset that I didn't click with and want to be bestest buddies with women who were his friends first.
- One of his female friends (the only one who was becoming more my friend than his) stopped talking to me extremely abruptly with no explanation. I still have no explanation.
- Constantly being told, when the possibility of an argument appeared, that he was quite capable of reducing me to tears with a single comment but that he chose not to be cause he was a nice person.
- My career was considered little more than a passing fancy or a hobby and not something that should factor into life decisions, despite the fact that I was trying to establish a real career, one for which I went to school and trained. His jobs required no schooling and minimal training, paid little more than minimum wage, and had no prospects for advancement. But in making life decisions, it was more important to consider his job than mine.
- At age 22, I really didn't consider sex a very enjoyable pastime.