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Reddit Relationships and Race--with a Twist

This is not a fun/weird Reddit/r/relationships post. Unless you think racism and misogyny are fun and weird. It is also long. You could td;lr it by reading the first block quote and the twist at the end.

Several days ago a light-skinned bi-racial woman (let's call her Sarah Jane) posted saying that she and her white boyfriend (let's call him Frankie) had a child who is significantly darker than her. Her boyfriend's parents flipped the fuck out:

His parents were extremely welcoming and supportive and seemed really excited to be grandparents. Since the birth of our daughter though everything has completely changed. Our daughter is black (obviously since her fucking mother is black) and his parents do not believe that their son is the father because she is much darker skinned than either of us. She also has kinky hair and generally black features. They are convinced that her father is black and I cheated on their son. Since my daughters birth my boyfriends parents have been awful. In addition to demanding he get a paternity test they have gone out of their way to make me miserable. We live in their neighborhood and they have basically branded me as a whore to their neighbors. They refer to our daughter as 'the nigger child' and have completely cut their so off financially for as long as he stays with me. Luckily we are financially independent and don't really need support from his parents.


Frankie wants to pacify the parents and get the paternity test (rephrased to be truer to SJ's post) and Sarah Jane wanted advice on how to deal with Frankie and his parents. I was astonished that most people thought she should get the test. Interestingly, in a post about a month ago when a white woman had a black husband who wanted a paternity test because their kid was very light, the majority opinion was that she should not get the test, but give him some understanding of skin color and genetics. I'd say the comments fell into 4 overlapping categories:

1. The grandparents aren't racist (because non-racists refer to BABIES as niggers), just angry and misguided. Get the test and rub it in their faces.

I also believe the venom they showed you was mainly the result of them believing the child wasn't his. I don't think they would have said or acted the way they did if they hadn't been ignorant on mixed race genetics - they believed their son was being manipulated, the protective parent took over, and they took it out on your daughter. I believe it would have been the same if your child looked white but had some other trait that drew paternity into question.

2. The grandparents are racist, but get the test. This comment gets at the crazy way Redditors were trying to parse the racism:

While it is possible that they are 'just racist' and it seems that they ARE racist based on what you've said, that doesn't mean that they won't do a 180. Perhaps this racist side of them is coming out because they really feel that the child is not their sons, and while that is retarded, it could be that the situation is bringing out the worst in them. [Hilariously, this comment begins by calling the OP naive]


This one is more blunt:

Get the paternity test. Rub it in their faces. Then reduce contact because fuck those racist assholes. Unless you get a heartfelt apology. But if they're openly using slurs to describe your daughter, safe money says they are thinking them about you.


3. Grandparents are right to be suspicious/ Sarah Jane must have been cheating, else she would just get the test.

Women are cheaters, why wouldn't anyone be suspicious?: What about for your boyfriend's peace of mind? His parents are planting seeds of doubt in his head, and it does look shady that you won't take the test, which is non-invasive.


If you're not against the test, but the aftermath of the results, why don't you just get the test and follow the advice of /u/blueclawcrab? It doesn't seem like he's cutting his parents out of his life soon, and if you want to stay with him forever, you need to remove those seeds of doubt before they become resentment.

The fact that you won't get the test at all is looking sketchy, and I feel like you're not giving the whole story.


Can I ask you a question? Can you BLAME them for wanting to be sure? People cheat, shit happens. The kid has a different skin tone than both the parents.. Like c'mon its not like they are coming out of left field with a suspicion


My limited experience makes me completely qualified to weigh in: I've never seen a black man or woman with white skin, blue eyes, red hair, and freckles....I don't know his parents but i would think the same thing!!! How could I not? Call me a dick but I probably would have broke up with you unless you took that test. His parents are just pissed because they think you cheated on their son. And people say things they don't mean when they are mad. DUDE: YOU ARE A DICK. AN IGNORANT DICK.


4. The grandparents are a danger to that child. Frankie needs to understand that. Don't get the paternity test (Sadly, this was the minority opinion in more ways than one).

Screw those grandparents. They are hateful people. If they have these kinds of words to your child imagine the kind of environment their minds are in and what ideology they spread to those around them. "Nigger baby"? Disgusting racism. Keep your child safe and far the hell away from those people. As far as the test, do whatever is right by your relationship.


TWIST: In the update, Sarah Jane says that she and Frankie talked things out. Turns out he had been deliberately misleading his parents into thinking she was white. It is sooo great when your boyfriend decides he needs to do the hard work of racial passing for you.


UPDATE: Since the Reddit update was deleted, I should say here that Sarah Jane and Frankie decided on no paternity test; they are moving into a different city; Frankie came clean with his parents and told him they would either accept the granddaughter or never see her (although I don't know what "acceptance" means—hiding their racism?); and they are going to couple's counseling (I'm hoping with a therapist who is a POC).

Commenters are still not getting the point and being terrible to Sarah Jane.

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