Some of you might remember that I love to lurk on reddit/r/relationships. This thread is not as explosive as the Saga of Jealous Janice, but this poor guy is seemingly so goddamn clueless that I can't stop laughing at him or the comments.
Robot Rodney (27) has been seeing Saint Lucy (Patron Saint of Blindness—is there a patron Saint of Dumbasses?) for 18 months. It's the best relationship of his life and he is pretty sure he is going to be married to her down the road. But when Lucy said she loved him, he couldn't say it back because he really doesn't know what love is. He's an "analytic person by nature," so he surveyed a bunch of married people and damned if not one of them could give him "a definitive, concrete answer." So he has a dilemma: this woman he wants to marry weirdly wants him to say he loves her or she is going to break up with him. I know that I want to marry my girlfriend but I don't know if that's enough to say that I love her. I seriously can't believe he typed that sentence.
There is the usual contingent of MRAs saying how terrible it is that she is demanding that he say he loves her. HOW DARE SHE. But some of the other comments are the equivalent of this:
Dude, I wish I was next to you right now so I could punch you. Hard.
I mean, you are such an asshole right now. You would change states and colleges, even give up internal organs, but you won't say one phrase just to make her happy? Seriously, how is this so different? (And no, saying this phrase is not lying to her. She already knows how you feel, she just wants you to say it in a way that makes her happy)
Would you give her a kidney? Do you want to raise kids with her? Would you indulge in a fetish of hers that you found repulsive in order to satisfy her sexually? She needs a foot, do you give her yours?
Serious question (those were all serious questions, but this is the most serious), are you on the spectrum?
—Because he is a man of action, the next day Robot had a LOT of coffee, sacked up, and talked to his girlfriend sans data, leading to an update with the most unintentionally hilarious and on-point tl;dr I've seen in awhile. I laugh every time I look at it:
tl;dr: I told my girlfriend how I specifically feel, asked her if that's what romantic love means, and after a long discussion we both agreed I should see a therapist.
Goddamn I can't stop laughing, even though I feel sorry for him and his SO.
So do you have any fun stories about declarations of love and bewilderment?
ETA: Forgot to ask: would you give your beloved a foot?
ETA2: It took me about 15 tries to get the first link in this post. Fuck Kinja.