Okay, so Part I - what I wrote to my BFF on my shitty cell phone in line at the airport immediately after the event, hence the typos everywhere. Forgive me:
So just had the worst and most ridic moments of my life. 15 minutes before leaving i confronted him with "i think im in love with u" then he went on this diatribe about how he liked me but he would never ever do a long distance relationship. Then it sort of came out that this parisian girl is actually german and lives in hamburg and they are planning a trip to paria togwther in june and ahe came and stayes with him last month and its all but a done deal. And i was like i didnt know that and hea like i told u and i said you really didnt clarify and he went off on everythinh is eaaier in ur mothertongue and i pointed out that it seems like hes willing to have a long dis relationahip juat not with me so he should just say that but he insisted then that he would never live in the us and im like "who said anything about the us?"
Then hes like you have to go to the airport pack your stuff so i did and i was quiet. Going to go catch the bus hes like "i hope u had a good weekend nevertheless." and i just snorted. After gwtting off the bus where i didnt stand next to him or talk at all, he asked me why i was so quiet and i said "you just kind of casually broke my heart. Give me some time." and then he waa saying how he didnt want to disappoint anyone and hadnt promised me anything which was true but i said he also didny state he had a gf and he said he shouldnt have to share his personal life but i pointed out thars juat a basic fact and then we got into an arguamwnt about what he said and apeaking english again.
Then he brought up that he brought me here as two good frienda and we can still remain yhat but i said i dont know becauae it might hurt too much and he got really angry saying he didnt see why i would cut off all contact forever. And i said that he has to look at it from my perapective and what doea he want me to do? And he said in a low angry voice "i'll tell u what i want you to do." so we got off the metro and honestly his face was all red and he was almost crying (no idea why i was so remarkably calm except that i can hold it together in a situation) and some ahole stopped us and said something to him about crying in german. And i asked him why he was so mad and he said that i said he broke my heart and he didnt want to do that to anyone and i said thats true but i will eventually get over it...with time and maybe lack of contact...i dont know
I missed the first bus because we were still discussing and i said its not because i dont like him its becauae i like him too much and it would be too hard just being like "hey...hows ur gf?" and then he finally calmed down and said he underatood and we didnt have to talk tomorrow or this month but hopefully at leaat in 5 years and im like "at tht point were not even friends." and he was like "of course-i have friends all over the world. Why cant we be friends?" and i askes if he was friensa with his exes-its usually too hard. And he said "with all due respect, we were never in a relationship." and i said yea but my feelings are still crushed and he said he understood but then reiterated that he would be devestated if we werent frienda and i asked why it mattered so much to him....he was baaically tearing up again and the bus came so he just told me to take my space but that he hoped we remained friends and i would measage him and then hugged me and said have a safe flight and i got on the bus and left.
Im still angry right now and somewhat relieved becauae at least i said aomething and have an answer. I guess i really wasnt expecting anything positive. And its easier to be angry than fall apart and be devestated. But i also feel horrible for marring the weekend and that he seemed to be so upset (tho again....im the one who would obviously be more upset so some anger there) but i didnt thank him for evwrything he did for me during the weekend and i deaperately wANt to write and apologize and talk it out more but i dont think that would help and it would take the power away from me again and give it to him. But i feel like a jerk. I feel like i will break down and meassage him but its probably horrible to do so. I feel awful either way. What to do? I knew knew knew the language and country differences were too much and hes basically married to Germany but i guess i hoped he would care about me enough to try so i kept pushing him on that point to just tell me he didnt want to be with me instead of lying about long distance shit but then the sort of gf came out and i askes why he didnt just lead with that and he said he waa adamant that even if there wasnt someone else he would never do long distance....again just morally opposed or with me? But the said how he thought it would be worse to do one night stand and then be like "i dont want to do a relationship" and i didnt say anything and hes like "i just dont want to disappoint anyone (hard for me to tell if he meant disappoint or lead on) but i pointed out he waa going to hurt someone and that was me....and it basically was going round in circles.
I guess he feels awful but hes the one with the great test scores and jobs and now gf and friend and income so i hate him but i still dont becauae he seemed so distraught that i was upset........damn it. I cant even do fake relationships right.