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Results of the "Ted Cruz Divine Right of Kings" Caption Contest!

Illustration for article titled Results of the Ted Cruz Divine Right of Kings Caption Contest!

Last night the good angels Absurd and Satire begifted unto my rapturous gaze this magnificent vision of Ted Cruz after his filibuster. I hied myself to Groupthink to share the wondrous glory of this most holy icon. By that, I mean we had a caption contest in honor of the pigheaded fuckwittery of Ted Cruz, who to all appearances fancies himself Lucifer Morningstar, righteously rebelling against his leader's tyranny, straight out of Book 1 of Paradise Lost, and to whom we can sing paeans of praise for successfully shutting that whole thing [that runs the country] down.


Well, I can't pick a winner. These captions were all stupendous. So in honor of Saint Ted, I've assembled for you early-to-bed folks a digest of the brilliant work of your peers.


Wax-tadpole kicked it off with a hymn: I dreamed a dream my life could be...

Kaiserawesome picked up the thread: where the market was opennnnnnnn I dreamed a dream of laissez faiiiiiiiireeeeeee but when I woke ObamaCare was thereeeeeeeeeeee


I had to add: And still I dream of the White House for meeeeee, that I will rule that seat foreeever. But I'm a douche for all to seeeeeeeee, and wimmenz votes I will not gatherrr

iroqdemic rolled out "Pharisee Ted" with Jesus Christ Superstar lyrics:

So like John before him, this Jesus must die!

Must die!

Must die!

This Jesus must die!

So like John before him, Jesus must die!

iroqdemic also contributed some parody: "Blessed are the job-creators, for they shall inheret the kingdom of the Earth."


T_Beermonster gave us an annotation with Ted's thoughts: "Oh Shit! It's Jesus and he looks pissed!"

AcidMartini produced some excellently modified Bible verses: "The Lord did speak to me, and he commanded me to blather! 'Ramble, Ted!' he said, 'jabber for hours and I shall cause thine ego to shine like a thousand suns! Who cares if it's a real filibuster or not?'"


snacktastic was just hilarious (the angel Absurd guffawed): "I am only interpreting Green Eggs and Ham the way the founding fathers intended"

Una Bear Dog gave brilliant voice to Ted's riveted throng: "Mr Cruz, Mr Cruz .... Can you tell us again who gave you the Golden Shower?"


And for your viewing pleasure, FluffnStuff went the extra mile and built the very meme you have seen above.

Thank you all for your participation in my therapeutic venting exercise! May the angels Absurd and Satire bless us again with such fodder next time the GOP opens its maw.


ETA: Latecomers to the party, welcome!

BerkRie penned an anthem for Ted's Wickedness:

"Something is the same within me
Somethings will never change
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of Barak Obama's game
Too late for compromising
Too late to accept the truth!
It's time to fuck with protocol
Close my eyes to the voting booth!
It's time to try defying RATIONALITY!


I think I'll try defying RATIONALITY!

'Cause I'm too tightly wound!"

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