Last night, I was up way too late in bed analyzing and picking apart my relationship with my boyfriend. We had a few issues come up two weeks ago, and we’ve since talked about them, but there are still concerns that I have. These aren’t things that can be talked out in a night of conversation, but things that will have to play out a bit longer, with conversations interspersed.
But alone, in my room, at night, I ripped up everything about our relationship, focusing only on the negative, and ignoring or forgetting about all the positives and the great things about him. Then, at the end of doing that, I turned on myself and shredded myself to bits. Once that was done, I went back to analyzing the relationship, and then again to ripping myself apart. This left me in a puddle of tears and snot several times.
I woke up this morning feeling shredded, but better. Everything always seems worse at night. Insurmountable. Alone at night it’s easy to let the dark thoughts in, convince yourself you’re unlovable while flipping through a rolodex of times you’ve screwed up. To take the whole of your life and try and view it through a lens of performance standards as compared to your friends and feel like you haven’t passed muster, you never will, and what’s the point.
This doesn’t happen to me too often. But when it does, the night is truly dark and full of terrors. Usually ones I’ve created or exaggerated. In the morning, they seem manageable.
I’m feeling much better this morning, although my puffy face does a poor job of hiding a night of sobbing into a pillow. But happy gifs would be appreciated.