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Rough spot (TW: Grief/Cancer)

So, I am going to be graduating in a few weeks. I should be happy.

March 20th was also the anniversary of my dad’s cancer diagnosis. It has just started hitting me in the past few days that my dad won’t be here to see me graduate. Or when I have kids, they will never have known him. Instead of just making me sad, I feel really angry and resentful. I didn’t feel that way last year.

He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was gone 11 weeks later. I find it really hard to plan for the future when everything can fall apart so quickly. I usually feel so optimistic, but it’s hard when everything can be fucked up.

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I just feel so bad that my dad never got to retire and my my family struggles so much without him. I am so angry that he didn’t have life insurance.

I am finishing my CalTPAs and having a really hard time staying motivated. I really need to finish them soon, but I am struggling to get through the next few weeks. I am feeling so overwhelmed that I feel nauseous.

Do you have any strategies for this? I usually am okay and am a generally happy person, it’s just the worst-timed rough patch ever. I just had to apologize for being a dick to my sister and it came out of nowhere. (I know, long-term, I should talk to a professional. I just need a bandaid-style coping mechanism now. How do I light a fire under my ass? How can I feel so unmotivated, yet so overwhelmed?)

ETA: Part of my CalTPAs include planning a lesson and recording me delivering it. That does not help the stress level.

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