(This recap originally appears at Persephone Magazine. WARNING: SPOILER)

This is the main event — are you ready?! Last night the world crowned the queen of drag! Well, one queen of drag. The fifth queen of drag. Not counting All-Stars. Or Ru. Okay, last night a crown was given to a drag queen, who was voted to be pretty nifty.

One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!

On the preview show “Countdown to the Crown,” we got to see the world premiere of Ru’s video “This is the Beginning.” It featured a road trip with our three finalists, Roxxxy Andrews, Jinkx Monsoon, and Alaska. They crashed and went to heaven, where apparently Ru is god. This is basically what I always pictured, so I’m glad to have things clarified. I love Ru’s music — it’s fabulous for dancing, or for working out to a great beat while the world’s most fabulous person tells you that you’re amazing. My personal theme song is “Champion,” because I’m greatest of them all*.

* By “them all,” yes, I mean I’m better than you. At least most of you. Amy Poehler is the exception.

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Our finale started with the best beauty contestant opening number ever, starring all of Season Five’s queens doing a number (on us). The dance wasn’t much more than arm swaying, because this season was not noted for its coordination. Ru then came out and sang (synched, whatevs) “Can I Get an Amen?” and bish, she got one in my house! She was gorgeousness personified in a figure-hugging white goddess gown. Our Goddess commanded the audience to repeat, “I’m sick and twisted, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!” I’m not sure what we’re not taking, but any celebration of twisted defiance gets an extra special AMEN from me.

We were then treated to interviews with the eliminated contestants. Ru asked Monica Beverly Hillz the difference between drag and being Trans. Monica said drag was what she did, but a Trans-Woman is who she is. I’m so happy to see this brought up again at the finale — and to have Ru point out that the only thing she screens for in a contestant is their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. Monica also reported that she’s the face of a cosmetics company now! Yay!

Some highlights:

  • Lineysha Sparx still has absolutely no fucking idea who Diana Ross is. Seriously, girl? SERIOUSLY? Someone take her Drag Card away!
  • Subsequently, Ru treated us to a Drag Herstory minute, detailing some of drag’s inspirations throughout the decade. The only one you really need to know about? Cher, Cher, Cher, Cher!
  • LaToya Jackson has been a guest judge more times than any other. She and Ru have a duet called “Feel Like Dancin’”!
  • The epic FEUD between Alyssa and Coco is even more annoying the second time around. Alyssa appeared to be wearing a baby pink ’80s prom dress covered in period blood, but Coco looked fierce in an acid green jumpsuit and the blonde ’20s bob she’s been rocking as of late.
  • Detox should get the Best Dressed award for this season; last night, she showed up in black and white. No, not stripes, but in black, white, and grey makeup — she looked like she stepped out of an old movie. It was AH-MAZE-ING.
  • Hotttttt men in teeny-tiny underpants ran out and shook their asses everywhere. How can you not love a show where a) this happens, and b) there’s no explanation asked for or needed.
  • Latrice Royale is, without question, one of the most fabulous and talented queens to emerge from this show. Always nice to see more of her!

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Our final three emerged, glorious and resplendent. Alaska wore a pink gown and pepto Liza Minelli hair, Jinkx upped her glam factor by +WOW in a gold gown with an orange underskirt, and Roxxxy dazzled in a glittery silver jacket and no pants.

Jinkx talked about her crush on Ivy Winters, but turns out that Ivy has a boyfriend so they’re just very good friends. Ru suggested another option — her new show Drag Sister Wives. Jinkx also revealed that she grew up loving Death Becomes Her and wanting to be Meryl Streep. Sigh. Just when I thought I couldn’t adore that queen any more. And Ivy was voted Miss Congeniality!

Each of our three finalists are stars in their own way. But this isn’t America’s Next Drag Three-Way. I would SO watch that, but this is not that show. I’ve been rooting for Jinkx, but Alaska said if she won, she’d buy us all pizza. Yes, I’m that much of a whore for cheese.

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Roxxxy and Jinkx hugged out their differences, and Alaska helped by saying they were both awful. Sniff. You know, I don’t get emotional, but…

Before she crowned the winner, Ru said that if for any reason America’s Drag Superstar was unable to finish her reign… Coco Montrese would finish it for her. RIMSHOT.

The final decision is always Ru’s, and this year the winner is…

JINKX MONSOON!

Yay!!!! It’s a win for funny, talented girls everywhere! Persephoneers, I truly believe that making folks laugh is a blessing for everyone involved, and I thank you all for letting me blog this delightful show for you. Tell me your reaction to the finale in the comments, and I’ll see you next time!

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Put on a rain coat — it’s Monsoon season!