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Illustration for article titled Salespeople Bullshit

Do you have that sense when right away you know you are getting BS-ed? Normally, I don't.

In my day jobs I do a lot of different things. Today I had to evaluate a consulting firm and whether they'd be able to help us. My boss had already spent hours talking to them, and then handed me to task of evaluating them. So I shot off an email, hoping for a quick response back to answer a few of my questions.


Did I get an email response? Nope, I got a bloody half hour phone call of bullshit.

1. Evasive
He did not answer a single question and made the assumption I didn't understand what they did. I understood perfectly what they do because they'd be taking over on of my many jobs. I tried to cut him off but he kept explaining and basically telling me how hard it was to write a grant. Darling, I've written the grants for my work for several years now and I'm fantastic at it. I don't give this information away, I really wanted to see how far he'd take me on the bullshit


2. Refused to give stats
He couldn't tell me stats on their success ratio because apparently since the grants are yearly it's hard to keep track of their success. I know, it's super hard to note that out of 10 grants we wrote 7 of them were given. For my own history I have 100% success ratio. I expect at least a 70% from other people, because I know I'll fuck it up eventually because as much as I hate it, I am human. It apparently involves a lot of math to figure out their past success and they don't do that because it's super time consuming, but I should be assured that since they don't deal with small companies that they were good.

3. Basically you are lucky to work with us
We don't deal with small companies you should feel fortunate because we took an interest in you. Umm no, sorry. I'm not impressed by that. You need money like everyone else and judging by the long conversation you are desperate.


4. We dropped our rate because we felt like we were making too much money

No, you dropped your rate because there are thousands just like you and most companies do internal grant writing. Also you dropped the rate to stay competitive because most of your clients probably don't exist any more because of the crash.


5. I know this is complicated

No it is, I understand that you think that because I am a woman I am stupid, but I'm not. Also my weird lobby for awhile was law, so the lame legal words you are using on me do not impress or frighten me.


6. Well we noticed that companies were giving a 4 or a 5 and we try to give a 10. That companies do 120 and we need workers to give 1 hour.

What? What does the 4 or 5 stand for. The guy could not answer this question.

He said "well out of 10"
Me:" Do you mean that companies submit 50% of their documentation"
Guy "No, it's not a percent, it's out of ten"
Me: What is the 10 stand for


Guy changes subject.

7. We have a professor on our team. (and several Ph.Ds!!!)

Me: What kind of professor? Associate, Assistant, Full?

Guy "What?"

Me: "well in Canada to gain the title of professor you must be a full time and often tenure track faculty at a university. Contact faculty are not professors they are sessionals or lecturers or if it's at a college they are an instructor. Admin love to label them as 'professors' but traditionally that's not how you earn that title."


Guy "Well are a professor because they teach."

Me: "By your definition I'm a professor."

Guy "well I don't really know. I'm just trying to show you the diversity on our team."

I get back to my boss, he asks me what I think.


"I'll be honest. I don't like the guy taking away part of my job. I think some of the stuff he does is useful, but for the most part I think we can do all of that ourselves if we are organized and I don't want to talk to him because he takes to long to say anything. He's kinda full of shit and I really wanted to hang up the phone."

Boss "Ya, that's what I thought."

/confidence boost!

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