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Sam Hunt is a CREEP. And possibly a Goblin King.

I was listening to my Amazon station on my phone this morning, and this Sam Hunt song comes on. It’s called “Take Your Time.” Now, I don’t really know who this dude is, and I’ve never heard this shit song before. Ostensibly, it’s about some rando rolling up on a lady in a bar. But he doesn’t want to take her heart. JUST HER TIME. See what he did there?!

So I’m listening, and I realized, the longer I listened, that if you could actually see or hear the reactions of the poor woman he is seemingly addressing, it would be pretty horrifying. So, borrowing the style of The Toast (which is amazing and fills me with joy every single time I read an article there), I filled in the reactions that I myself would have if this asshat came warbling up to me in real life.

Take Your Time (by Goblin King Sam Hunt)

I don’t know if you were looking at me or not

I was not.

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You probably smile like that all the time

That’s not a smile. I’m baring my teeth.


And I don’t mean to bother you but

I couldn’t just walk by
And not say, “Hi”

You absolutely could. That is 100% a thing you could have done.

You’re making the conscious decision to invade my shit, man.

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And I know your name

‘Cause everybody in here knows your name

Jesus christ, where am I? That bar from Cheers?

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And you’re not looking for anything right now

So I don’t wanna come on strong

Then go away.


Don’t get me wrong

So that’s a no? Not going away?

Your eyes are so intimidating
My heart is pounding but
It’s just a conversation

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Seriously, guy, are you fucking drunk?

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No, girl I’m not wasted

You don’t know me
I don’t know you but I want to

You don’t even realize that you’re leaving me no opinion as to whether or not I want to get to know you, do you?

I don’t wanna steal your freedom
I don’t wanna change your mind

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OMG, you so fucking DO. You clearly don’t give a shit about my “not looking for anything right now” – remember that? It was LESS THAN A MINUTE AGO. I KNOW YOU KNOW.

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I don’t have to make you love me

I just wanna take your time

Just… what?

I don’t wanna wreck your Friday

Too late.


I ain’t gonna waste my lines

Really? Because I feel like you’ve wasted a WHOLE BUNCH.


I don’t have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time

You keep saying this. I assure you I am in no danger of handing over either to you.

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And I know it starts with “Hello”
And the next thing you know you’re trying to be nice

Not in this case, manbaby. This started with you rollin’ up on my space with ZERO invitation and talking about my smile, which is creepy as fuck, son.

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And some guys getting too close

Trying to pick you up

Trying to get you drunk

You are literally describing yourself. What is wrong with you.


And I’m sure one of your friends is about to come over here
‘Cause she’s supposed to save you from random guys

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Well, yes. Living in a patriarchal system where rape culture is quite real means that girls often have to, for their own SAFETY, coordinate like this. For our own goddamn protection. But thanks for reducing that, RANDOM GUY.


That talk too much and wanna stay too long
It’s the same old song and dance but I think you know it well

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God, where IS my fucking friend? Did she bail on me? I’m gonna kill her.

You could’ve rolled your eyes
Told me to go to hell
Could’ve walked away

Actually, no. Because those reactions, even when completely warranted (LIKE NOW), too often inspire men to actual violence. Women become conditioned to putting up with unwanted attention because too often the alternative is to RISK ACTUAL VIOLENCE.

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But you’re still here

And I’m still here

One of us is trapped. I’ll let you guess which one.


Come on let’s see where it goes

I don’t wanna steal your freedom
I don’t wanna change your mind
I don’t have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

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Are you… JARETH?!

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I don’t have to meet your mother

We don’t have to cross that line

Whoa. Back up, shitneck. Leave my mom be.

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I don’t wanna steal your covers

I just wanna take your time

I… still haven’t consented to anything?

I don’t wanna go home with you
I just wanna be alone with you

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WELL THEN. So, like, isolate me from all these people who know my name, and my asshole friend who is NOT bailing me out of this yet, and then…. What, exactly? Because that sounds a lot like you maybe want to assault me.

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I don’t wanna steal your freedom

I don’t wanna change your mind
I don’t have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

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You’re still here. Terrific.

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I don’t wanna blow your phone up

I just wanna blow your mind

Welp, I gotta say you’re not off to a super good start.

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I don’t have to take your heart

I just wanna take your time

No, I ain’t gotta call you baby
And I ain’t gotta call you mine
I don’t have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time

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“Thank GOD! Yeah, this is my friend, and we totes have to go… BYE.”

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